This Week in Deliciousness

Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, where we've decided to take up veganism and bowhunting on the same day. Contradictastic!

We started the week off right with a look at some choice bits, and that's a great list, but I'd humbly like to add one: the cup or so of utterly shattered chip shards at the end of a bag of Doritos. That moment where you just unceremoniously dump the pile of 10 percent chip, 90 percent dubious chemical seasoning into your face? Magic. That's the only word for it. Also "carcinogen."

The Saint Arnold's One Pot Throwdown was successful yet again this year, with some bears taking home the big prize, which nicely refuted last year's accusations of twink-favoring judges.

Last month was National Oatmeal Month, which is suitably depressing for a month like January, but here in Houston spring starts in February, so we're livening things up with our National Chocolate Month celebrations. In unrelated news, Galveston's Red Tide appears to be waning, which is good news for the oyster population. I was going to try and tie those two items together with some kind of "try some chocolate to take the edge off your girlfriend's red tide!" crack, but then I remembered I'm not Lisa Lampanelli, so let's just move on.

Bacchus seems like a fun place to eat, drink, and be merry, what with being named after the Greek god of eating, drinking, and merriment. I hear they almost went with the name "Artie Lange" but at the last minute the TABC denied their cocaine license.

Remember those Burger Guys who make the best burgers ever but to get to them you have to drive halfway to Seattle? Not anymore! They've got a choice spot downtown where you can find them now.

Hey, if you had to pick someone to open a huge carnival-style tourist attraction in Galveston, who would you pick? Nope, not them. Nope, them either. Come on, dream big! Nope. No. No. Okay, this could literally go on until we die, so I'll just tell you: it's the folks behind Landry's! Yeehaw! Can't wait to try to the pre-made, frozen funnel cakes! Assuming I can get over there before it's all demolished by an inevitable hurricane!

Single-dish restaurants? Oh Lord yes. We do like this idea very much, and have come up with our own suggestions: 1. Chicken and dumplins. 2. Beans. 3. Cheesecake. So help me God, if you say "But there's already a Cheesecake Factory" in the comments, I will take a two-by-four to your assballs. That's right: I will invent a new, extremely sensitive appendage, graft it onto your body, and then assault it with a large piece of lumber. DO NOT TEST ME.

Hey, remember when we tried to drink orange juice straight out of an orange last week and it didn't work? Well, we totally made that shit work this time. Another problem solved with violence.

I'll be watching the Super Bowl at home because I must hear SiriusXM's Ron and Fez simulcast AND NOT BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, but if you want to venture out on Game Day, here are some great places to do so. I will be enjoying all of this business. And also these.

If you hate my writing and think you can do better, give a shot, sport. Have a great weekend, and GO TEXANS! (They made it, right? I haven't kept up.)

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John Seaborn Gray