| Sweets |

Three Brothers Bakery Charms With Anti-Valentine's Day Treats

Keep Houston Press Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Houston and help keep the future of Houston Press free.

Valentine's Day can really blow. The years I have been single and lonely on February 14 still outnumber the (recent) years when I have not been, so when people tell me they loathe the holiday because it only reinforces feelings of personal inadequacy brought on by their solo status, I can empathize.

One February was particularly harsh. I had been seeing this young lad horrendous douchebag musician for a few months and things, I thought, were progressing well. We had a lot of fun spending time together, feelings were growing deeper and there was even some talk of future plans. Then, a week before Valentine's Day, he grew distant. After I hadn't heard from him for more than 48 hours, he called on the evening of the holiday itself and (you know what's coming) dumped my sorry ass. Thanks, Dick.*

Anyway, fortunately, a good friend soon after the call whisked me off to dinner to cheer me up. If, however, you find yourself in a similar situation on or around Valentine's Day, or if you simply want to take an antithetical approach to the holiday and use it as an opportunity to tell your nearest but not dearest to go f&ck him/herself, then you gotta go to Three Brothers Bakery.

*Name has been changed. This article continues on the next page.

Of course, they're offering a plethora of indulgent confections colored red, white and pink with sweet messages for you to give to your significant other, best friend, co-worker, blah blah blah. But more interesting, and perhaps more useful, is their absolutely fabulous line of Anti-Valentine's Day desserts.

I'm partial to the vanilla cream petit fours inscribed with messages such as "I H8 U," "U Suck," "Go Away" and my absolute favorite, "meh". (Really, what other three-letter word in the English language so beautifully conveys such indifferent uninterest?)

Even more impressive in terms of design, and equally tasty, are the frosted sugar cookies. Their shape seems to represent not so much the symbolic organ of amorous love but a desire to stab someone through the heart (perhaps thereby returning the favor?).

The pièce de résistance in this line is the cookie depicting Grumpy Cat, who admonishes the recipient: "You'd be PURR-fect...if you lost 15 pounds." What an extraordinary feat of culinary cruelty.

So, if you've got an ax to grind this Valentine's, head to Three Brothers Bakery. Pick up a few treats for your frenemies or pre-order a whole box for your favorite nemesis.

Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.