Not all candy is created equal. In the candy caste system, some treats are more deserving than others when it comes to securing a place in Halloween treat bags. Here are ten candies that should almost certainly be excluded:
10. Green Tea Kit Kats. Why did this happen? One word: Japan. Why has this continued? Beats the sh*t out of me.
9. Runts. Someone out there really likes the taste of rotten, overripe fruit, and that person invented Runts. The banana flavor is particularly offensive. Fortunately, their presence seems to be declining, thanks to the disappearance of coin-operated candy dispensers.
7. Now and Laters. Way too tart and hard enough to chip a tooth, Now and Laters will permanently pucker your mouth and perhaps send you to the dentist. Apparently, there's a "soft" kind that avoids these problems, but I'm still not taking any chances.
6. Original Boston Baked Beans. Disgustingly similar to owl pellets in terms of texture, Boston Baked Beans are actually shriveled peanuts covered in scarlet sugar glop. The only thing that might get me to buy this woeful candy would be if it came in a mini bean pot.
5. Hershey's Cherry Cordial Creme Kisses. Picture a scrumptious milk chocolate Hershey's kiss. Then fill it with cough syrup. That's basically the composition of Hershey's Cherry Cordial Creme Kisses, the worst flavor of Kiss yet introduced, with orange creme being a close second.
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4. Wax Bottles. You know that kid who used to pick wax drippings off of candles and then eat them? Well, unless he's coming to your Halloween party, skip the wax bottles. With these candies, your reward for consuming some nasty processed wax is a mouthful of nasty processed juice. Hurrah.
3. Candy Dots. If you like peeling tasteless, artificially colored sugar mounds off of cheap paper, then this candy is for you. I tolerated candy dots as a kid, but as an adult, every time I eat them I feel like I'm overdosing on birth control pills.
2. Jujubes. Jujubes certainly don't taste like the respective fruits they claim to represent. In fact, their only function seems to be to stick to your teeth and dislodge crowns.
1. Circus Peanuts. Nothing says you don't give a crap about trick-or-treaters like handing out Circus Peanuts, the cheapest, nastiest, old-fashioned (and I mean that in the pejorative) crap confection. Circus peanuts taste little like legumes and more like amorphous citrus desiccated marshmallows invented by aliens.