There aren't many fried foods we won't at least try, but that doesn't mean they should exist outside of a theoretical physics textbook. Fried beer, for instance; it doesn't seem like something that should be possible, yet get us sober and hungry enough and sure, we'll binge on fried beer, everybody's gotta die sometime, right? Some fried foods are just the right mixture of innovative genius and bugfuck crazy as to make you wonder if you're really seeing what you're seeing, or if you've somehow slipped into a cartoon. Here are some fried foods I'm not even sure we're supposed to be talking about.
1. Fried Ice Cream We don't know how this happens. We've had it done right at our table, before our very eyes, and we still weren't able to figure out what the hell was going on. You can't fry ice cream. At least, that's what we found when we tried it; just ask our former cooking partner, Carl "Two-Face" Bledsoe. Drop ice cream into cooking oil, and it explodes. So how do chefs do it? Well... clearly they're wizards.
2. Fried Cheesecake Call us crazy, but cheesecake is supposed to remain cold at all times, right? Doesn't it melt if it gets too hot? We're pretty sure we've seen this happen with leftover cheesecake we've left in our car all afternoon. So naturally, deep-fried cheesecake, like fried ice cream, must be the province of wizards, right? That's what we thought too, but you have to stop and think about it for a second, then you'll realize the one and only correct answer: angels. Angels come down from Heaven and stop the frying cheesecake from melting. Because God loves us, that's why.
3. Fried Cheeseburger Oh God no. The fried cheeseburger is the Cthulhu of fried foods: It slithers up from its slimy lair, imparting insanity upon all who dare meet its gaze. You'd think the universe would have some kind of natural defense system in place for when people try to fry cheeseburgers. You'd get it to within a few inches of the hot oil, and the hand of one of the Guardians of Eternity would reach up from the ground and snatch your wrist, protesting "No, human! The secrets of the fried cheeseburger are not thine to know! 'Tis the Thing That Should Not Be! Turn back! TURN BAAAAAACK!" Then again, there's also fried pizza to consider, so maybe the universe just doesn't give a shit.
4. Turducken Wow, just look at that. That looks like one of those early-'80s art-punk album covers that got banned because it kept making people throw up in the record store. It looks like it's burst all over the plate primarily because the turducken is created by reverse-engineering a horrible poultry farm explosion. It's a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey, so basically it's just us pointing and laughing at Mother Nature and daring her punk ass to do something about it. If you show a turducken to a vegetarian they'll automatically look around for something to issue you a citation with, as a reflex action. Of course, turduckens must be deep fried, because they consist of so much meat that if you stuck one in the stove on Thanksgiving Day it might be ready in time for April Fool's. Turducken does provide us with some inspiration, though; if you're reading this, you're formally invited to Eating Our Words' Peagoosturquaiduckenstrich Thanksgiving Extravaganza. Bring your appetite!
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5. Cicadas The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing people it would be a good idea to fry and eat a goddamned bug. We call them "locusts" around hereabouts, but they're not, they're cicadas, and you surely know their sound. It's that omnipresent buzz that starts around sunset throughout the summer, the one that lets you know it's officially no longer socially unacceptable to start drinking. They look like little aliens, and despite being pretty much the least appetizing thing we've ever seen, entire clubs and societies remain devoted to cooking and eating them, constantly trying to top themselves with new and improved recipes. Why bother frying them? Is it really so much worse to eat them raw? Or does fried cicada paste take on some unique, succulent tang we aren't (and never will be) aware of? These aren't people who are starving, either. These people in no way have to eat cicadas; they choose to. So we've been blessed to live in near-total freedom, and this is what we choose to do with that freedom. Hell, maybe there's something to be said for fascism after all.