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Top 5 Grocery Products I Wish Existed In Real Life

In a world that contains dulce de leche Cheerios, peppermint patty-flavored coffee creamer and vegan mayonnaise, it's hard to imagine needing, let alone wanting, greater variety in foodstuffs. Yet still I do. Here are my top products I wish actually could be bought in a supermarket.

5. Cashew Butter Ritz Bits

Like the peanut butter kind, but with cashew butter, the superior legume spread. I'm hoping also the appearance of this product would pave the way for cashew butter Uncrustables.

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4. Thanksgiving Dinner Flavored Chewing Gum

Roald Dahl was really onto to something when he had Willy Wonka testing out three-course meal chewing gum in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And that book came out almost FIFTY years ago! Seriously, what is the hold-up for this product. Even Jones got on the ball by offering us turkey day sodas.

3. Chinese Character Soup

While the English alphabet has a paltry 26 letters, Chinese has tens of thousands. And what better way to become acquainted with the bunch than by eating bowl after bowl of them? Seriously, I really think this soup would be the key to me finally mastering Mandarin.

2. Carbonated Milk

Milk is awesome; add bubbles and it just gets better. And think of the possibility for fizzy milkshakes! The interwebs tells me carbonated milk cannot technically exist because carbon dioxide is not among the legal additives to pasteurized milk. However, I also hear tell of a beverage called Vio, which seemed as close as anything yet to carbonated milk, but unfortunately it was only available for a limited time in NYC. Anyway, SodaStream peeps, get on this. I want to bloat my belly with gas and get my daily dose of calcium at the same time.

1. Supersize Oreos

No one on earth eats just one Oreo in a sitting, so why not facilitate the consumption process with ginormous cookies? America caught a glimpse of this (now non-existent) dream product during the 1980s in the form of Big Stuf Oreos, but alas that was before my time or at least before I could purchase my own food. I don't see how Nabisco can possibly justify not re-introducing palm-sized Oreos if they have no qualms about offering other over-the-top varieties like "triple double," berry ice cream, and, my favorite, "mega stuf."


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