I'm thrilled that so many ice cream purveyors in Houston offer inventive flavors. Not that there's anything wrong with good o' vanilla, but new and interesting is good, right? Let me go on the record and say, "No, not always." Especially when it comes to ice cream. Here are five ice cream flavors that make me want to scream for all the wrong reasons:
5. NASCAR Checkered Flag (Breyers). Admittedly, it's not the flavor composition (vanilla and chocolate) that freaks me out; it's the uncannily perfect checkerboard pattern. I can't help but think some pretty scary manipulation went into producing those eerily aligned squares, and I don't want them in my cone.
4. Cotton Candy. I don't care who makes it, this flavor is bizarre coming from any brand. In addition to the fact that its colors (robin's egg blue and Pepto pink) are off-putting, this ice cream is boringly sweet. Most of the appeal of cotton candy is the warm, fuzzy texture, and when that flavor is transferred to a cold, creamy base, it becomes far less appetizing.
3. Drumstick Sundae Cone (Dreyers). Talk about a strange flavor. First, the Drumstick is itself a concoction comprised of a hot fudge sundae wedged in an ice cream cone (it has nothing to do with turkeys). The entire thing is then broken down into chunks and mixed into vanilla ice cream with fudge swirls. So, you have an ice cream flavor made up of an ice cream cone made up of a sundae. What?
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2. Lunar Cheesecake (Baskin-Robbins). The moon is made of green cheese. Cheesecake made from moon cheese is also therefore green. Ice cream mixed with said cheesecake is therefore called "lunar cheesecake." This is what I assume was the BR food scientists' line of reasoning. Apparently, this flavor was released in conjunction with Men in Black 3 (aliens, planets, moon....I get it). But what does cheesecake have to do with outer space? And why would I want to eat cheesecake made from moon cheese?
1. Fudge Tracks (Edy's). This copycat flavor is meant to imitate "moose tracks" (vanilla ice cream with miniature peanut butter cups and fudge swirls). "Moose tracks" makes sense because a moose is an animal that leaves foot (hoof?)prints, that is to say "tracks." "Fudge" is not an animal. "Fudge" is a euphemism for a nonliving human/animal waste product, and "fudge tracks" therefore reminds me of....ew.