Top Five Calorific Houston Desserts

While calorie bombs laden with lard, salt, sugar and cream are traditionally staples of national chain restaurants that pride themselves on obscene portions (see: The Cheesecake Factory), a fair number of Houston establishments offer some equally cloying concoctions. So orgasmically rich are these mega-desserts that one or more servings would strain the metabolism of even the likes of Michael Phelps. So, loosen those belts: here are Houston's Top Five Calorific Desserts.

5. White Chocolate Bread Pudding (Ruggles Bakery & Café; 2365 Rice Blvd.). A conglomeration of carbohydrates, Ruggles's Bread Pudding contains layer upon layer of dense white bread and oozy white chocolate. A side of raspberry sauce and two scoops of vanilla ice cream are also included to moisten the confection. It's the perfect nighttime treat...assuming you're running a half-marathon the next morning.

4. The Ultimate Chocolate Cupcake (Ooh La La: The Dessert Boutique; 23920 Westheimer Pkwy.). Remember when cupcakes were the size of a child's fist and coated with a light smear of frosting and maybe a half-dozen sprinkles? I'm starting to forget. What used to be a simple and appropriately sized afternoon treat has grown exponentially in girth and complexity. Exhibit A: Ooh La La's "The Ultimate Chocolate Cupcake." Infused with chocolate ganache, this decadent chocolate cupcake is crowned with chocolate buttercream frosting and sprinkled with chocolate chips. Just one probably won't give you a coronary, though I wouldn't rule out hyperglycemia.

3. Bayou Goo (House of Pies; 3112 Kirby Drive). It's never a good sign when a dessert's name could also refer to a brand of industrial cement. While the individual components of Bayou Goo aren't particularly remarkable (pecan crust, cream cheese, vanilla custard, chocolate bits, whipped cream), the combination of these things makes it incredibly saccharine. It will stick to your bones and to the walls your arteries. Yum yum.

2. The Cheesecake Shake (Katz's Deli; 616 Westheimer Rd.). As if cheesecake by itself was insufficient to curb your cravings for sugar and dairy. Several scoops of homemade ice cream, whole milk, and an entire slice of New-York style cheesecake (buttery graham cracker crust included) are blended together in all their fatty glory. Well, at least you satisfied your daily calcium requirements.

1.Candylicious Junkyard Cake (The Chocolate Bar; 1835 West Alabama Street). At $7 to $10 a slice, one expects much in terms of size and flavor from the desserts at The Chocolate Bar. But even a cake and candy addict like myself cries "uncle" after a few bites of the Candylicious Junkyard, which combines the best of both worlds by fusing 3 Musketeers, Butterfingers, Snickers, and Baby Ruths with white chocolate mousse. This cake epitomizes why one should not trick or treat and frequent a bake sale in the same day.

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Joanna O'Leary