When I blogged last week about five food maneuvers that only work on television, Nicholas L. Hall and Dave Lieberman corrected my assertion that drinking out of a straw stuck directly in an orange couldn't be done in real life. Furthermore, they offered some tips as to how to do so:
"The trick to the orange is to beat the shit out of it first." - Nicholas L. Hall
"Agreed. Roll it around while trying to mash the life out of it. Then stick your straw in there and suck." - Dave Lieberman
I'm always up for a "food" challenge and have been hankering for fresh-squeezed juice ever since Katharine Shilcutt's post on Snap Kitchen's cold-pressed confections.
The first obstacle to overcome was not having a hammer, mallet, bat, or other conventional devices with which to beat the fruit. (Most of my stuff is in storage; it's a long story.) I improvised by repeatedly throwing the orange against a concrete wall and then pounding it with the bottom of a saucepan. My goal (as directed by Nick and Dave) was to loosen the guts of orange without breaking the skin to facilitate juice extraction.
The next challenge was finding a straw strong enough to penetrate the skin without itself splintering. In our back cupboard, I found some cheap-o varieties, which, judging from their tan and yellow stripes, were probably leftover from a 1980s McDonald's run. Those obviously weren't going to cut it.
Then I remembered I had one of those insulated beverage containers that includes a heavy-duty plastic straw. One swift, direct stabbing motion and I'd be in business. Channeling John Travolta in Pulp Fiction (specifically the scene in which he jams the adrenaline shot into an ODed Uma Thurman's chest), I plunged the straw right into the center of the orange.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
The first sips yielded mostly air, but after a little massaging of the fruit, I succeeded in some long draws of juice. AHH. A few more pounds of the orange against the counter, more massaging, more juice. Hardly the most expeditious way to get your daily dose of liquid Vitamin C but amusing nonetheless. I'll probably only replicate this technique on special occasions. Or when I'm really, really drunk.
Dave and Nick, you proved me wrong. Now, back to practicing OREO separations.