Nice Girls Don't Say Things Like That Judy Carter brings her comedy and magic show into town for two shows only. Ms. Carter describes herself as "just another Jewish-lesbian-comic-magician," which might sound to some like an odd boast. But to those who pay attention to lesbian entertainers and comedy, that statement sounds like good-natured modesty. The woods are thick with lesbian-comic-magicians. Certain woods are, anyway. Carter is all over, having won an "Entertainer of the Year" award in that bastion of conventional entertainment, Atlantic City, and been an opening act for Prince and Kenny Loggins, who are probably not even the same species. Carter's show is not so much about politics, therapy, lesbian relationships and her grandmother's girdle as it is about stuff that's funny. 7:30 and 9:30 p.m. Laff Stop, 1952 West Gray, 524-2333. Advance tickets available at venue or at Inklings Bookstore. $10 advance, $12 at door.
Violence and Youth: Who Holds the Key? Teresa Ramirez, executive director of the Harris County Juvenile Probation Department, and Sue Schechter, a state represent-
tive who chairs...the...Joint...City/County Commission on Children, will speak at a meeting of the League of Women Voters. 9:30-11:30 a.m. Montrose Public Library, 4100 Montrose. For more information about this and other League of Women Voters programs, call 784-2923. Free.
The Sound of Music Once upon a time, Marie Osmond was quoted in Tiger Beat, holding forth on the problem of lipstick smearing onto teeth. (Her solution, "always carry tissues.") Now, Marie Osmond is Maria, touring as The Sound of Music's irascible governess and belting out Rodgers and Hammerstein tunes like "My Favorite Things," "Edelwiess" and "Climb Every Mountain." Neal Benari stars as Captain George von Trapp in a fresh, live, stage version of Rodgers and Hammerstein's biggest hit. The dandy goat puppets from the movie version will not appear. Through October 30. Previews tonight, 8 p.m. and tomorrow afternoon, 2 p.m. and opening tomorrow night, 8 p.m. Presented by Theater Under the Stars, performed at the Music Hall. Tickets available at TUTS Tix, 4235 San Felipe; selected Randall's stores; and at the Music Hall box office on show days. Music Hall, 810 Bagby, (800) 766-6048. $22-$45.
Conroe Cajun Catfish Festival To be held in what they're calling downtown Conroe. To include a 6-foot tall, 40-foot long, 5,000-gallon aquarium full of fish representing the popular Lake Conroe species. Also the wedding of "Willie B. Fryed," the festival mascot, and his helpmate, "Ima Good Catch." Eating fish, too, along with boudin, etouffee, gumbo, andouille sausage, red beans and rice, gator balls and chicken-on-a-stick. The professional entertainment lineup includes Gary P. "Home with the Alligators" Nunn, Cookie and the Cupcakes and Rocking Dopsie Jr. Other entertainment? Mr. and Mrs. Catfish pageants, a dance contest and a Shriner's band. That band will be in the Bon Ton Parade, the opening event at 10 a.m. today. Followed by a Party on the Square kickoff party, 6-11 p.m., and then the actual extravaganza Saturday and Sunday. Head out I-45 North, take a right (go east) on Highway 105 in Conroe and then follow the signs. Don't bring pets, glass containers or coolers. For directions, further information or to enter the dance contest, call the festival hot line, (800) 324-2604.
Iri-Ji Kwanzaa may draw heavily from the traditional West African celebration of the yam harvest, but Iri-Ji is the (or a, anyway) traditional West African celebration of the yam harvest, and today's festival is advertised as the only authentic Iri-Ji ritual in the Western Hemisphere. The Greater Houston Owerri Club Inc. is staging the festival and will present an Old Bende War Dance, Owerri Women Dancers and Ojionu. Ojionu, a masquerade dance named after a colorful talking bird, is one of the festival's highlights. An authentic Ojionu will be performed by Africans living in Houston. African arts and crafts will be displayed and food, including yams, will be served. Rain or shine. Noon-8 p.m. Jones Plaza, Texas and Louisiana. No admission charge.
Bob Alper Alper bills himself as "the world's funniest rabbi." On the typical Friday night, Rabbi Bob can be found at the pulpit of Temple Micha, in Symcote, Pennsylvania, leading his congregation in solemn prayer. At other times, he can be spotted behind a lone microphone at some of Manhattan's hippest comedy clubs, schmoozing on a talk show, hawking his latest comedy video or making one of his frequent appearances in Houston. His act is a gentle blend of affectionate stories about his family and congregation, and a few jokes that are so old that they can probably be found in the Bible (Old Testament, of course). Hors d'oeuvres 8 p.m., show 9 p.m. Westchase Hilton, Westheimer at Briar Park. For tickets call 496-5950 or 578-1858. $25 and $35.