By William Michael Smith
By Jef With One F
By Craig Hlavaty
By Jesse Sendejas Jr.
By Sonya Harvey
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By Nathan Smith
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13. Meat Loaf, "I'd Do Anything for Love." A plus-size artist with a plus-size palette of bad music, the Dallas-bred Loaf's comeback record was a definite return to form. Unfortunately, what he was returning to was ludicrously over-the-top dreck. See also No. 10.
12. Drowning Pool, "Bodies." It was banned by Clear Channel Radio after 9/11, and people thought that maybe Clear Channel had some taste after all. Then it was reinstated to the airwaves and people came to their senses.
11. Willie Nelson and Julio Iglesias,"To All the Girls I've Loved Before." Not even Willie is immune to putting out a bad record every now and then, and this is truly wretched. And if you've ever seen karaoke versions of it, you'll begin to be able to conceive of what awaits sinners in hell.
10. Meat Loaf, "Paradise by the Dashboard Light." Hmmm, should I put this on the list? Let me sleep on it, baby baby, yeah, let me sleep on it. Yeah, I'll put it right here at No. 10.
9. Pat Green, "Songs About Texas." Old Cow Town, Old San Antone, taco meat, old Guy Clark, Hill Country rain, Jerry Jeff Walker, honky-tonk angels, dusty plains, and to top it all off, a fast-moving train. Green left out the Shiner Bock, Ol' Willie and the Guadalupe River, but managed to work in just about every other yee-haw-generating platitude under the, ahem, blazing Texas sun. He should have called this "Clichés About Texas."
8. Kenny Rogers, "You Decorated My Life." Rogers has released more crap than any Houston artist. Ever. Ask ten people their least favorite Kenny Rogers song and you'll get ten different answers. Some hate "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town," while others opt for "Lady," "Islands in the Stream" or "Don't Fall in Love with a Dreamer." But then sing 'em a few bars of "You Decorated My Life." A consensus soon emerges.
7. LeAnn Rimes, "How Do I Live." Ye gods, this offering from the Dallas songbird is awful. Hum it a little bit. Now it's as stuck to your head as that old bumper sticker you can't peel off your car.
6. Christopher Cross, "Ride Like the Wind." Breaks like the wind, more like. It's tough to pick just one from the Chris Cross canon, and, um, I'll admit I actually like the Arthur theme. (Pull my hipster card -- I don't care.) "Sailing" is another matter, but "Ride Like the Wind" is even worse.
5. Little Texas, "God Blessed Texas." This song, more than any other, is responsible for the epidemic of ridiculously excessive fiddle and guitar solos that plagues the Texas Music (Bowel) Movement. Seriously, the typical solo in some of these bands sounds like a C-130 taking off. And goddamn it all to hell, bombastic truck-commercial-friendly crap like this is catchy as hell. Chev-eeehhh, driving Texas! I was born on the Llano Estacado! Bad, but catchy.
4. Lisa Loeb, "Stay." "I missed youuuuu " Not. Loeb kicks off a four-tune Dallas Hall of Shame at the top of this list. Loeb, Tripping Daisy and Deep Blue Something were all active in the Metroplex at about the same time -- it's kind of like one of those great, fertile scenes like San Francisco in the Summer of Love or the Lower East Side in the mid-'70s, only all the bands were complete and utter abominations. Does SMU offer a postgrad degree in Crap Music Production or something?
2. Deep Blue Something, "Breakfast at Tiffany's." "And I said, 'What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?' / She said, 'I think I remember the film / And as I recall, I think we both kinda liked it' / And I said, 'Well, that's the one thing we've got.' " Arrghhhh! Bores into your brain like a power drill, and blossoms there like the most malignant tumor on record. To paraphrase Robert Johnson, once this tune takes root, all the doctors at M.D. Anderson sho' can't save you now.
1. Vanilla Ice, "Ice Ice Baby." What, you were expecting something else? With this one song, Robbie Van Winkle destroyed a cool Queen tune and set back the cause of white people in hip-hop a decade. Word to yo' mutha!
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