10 Funniest Sentences on Conservapedia
Conservapedia, in case you don't know, was started as a rival to Wikipedia in 2006 by Andrew Schlafly in order to counteract what he felt was a definite liberal bias to the site. Thus was born another free online encyclopedia that kept things more in line with conservative and creationist values as well as one of the most unintentionally hilarious websites on the planet.
So when I get blue after seeing, say, a woman that feels she needs to show her support for Chick-Fil-A by fashioning her greasy chicken sandwich wrapper into a badge and wearing it proudly on her chest - yes, that really happened to me last Wednesday - I like to spend a few minutes hitting "random" on Conservapedia and laughing my butt off.
Here are my ten favorite gems, and some of them are surprising.
"At least some subsets of Goth culture can be clearly seen as a cults such as the EMO (see external link)."
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This one is hilarious for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is calling Emo a subset of goth as well as referring to it as THE EMO! Like it's the freakin' Illuminati. That external link, by the way? Leads to an article that explains goth music and culture about as well as I can explain the Higgs boson to you.
"The Toyota Prius is a hybrid electric vehicle made in Japan. It is very popular with homosexuals."
Apparently the question of whether or not owning a Prius is in and of itself gay is a very hotly debated topic. Seriously, go type it into Google and like three million pages come up including a lot of Yahoo! answers begging people to tell them whether they have to switch teams to drive hybrid.
Luckily, I speak gay and texted my lesbian sidekick to ask her her thoughts on the Prius. "I think they're hideous," she said. 'I'll keep my BMW named Fritzi, thank you very much." A male homosexual friend informed me that the only thing gay about a Prius would be if you were having gay sex in the Prius, which is impossible as people who own Priuses don't have sex.
"After the Flood, these kangaroos, bred from the Ark passengers, migrated to Australia. There is debate whether this migration happened over land with lower sea levels during the post-flood ice age, or before the super-continent of Pangea broke apart."
The article on kangaroos is a classic example of the lengths some people will go to pretend the Bible is a science text, but this entry baffles me. OK, I can go with the world isn't as old as science says and dinosaurs and man coexisted. Mostly because that idea, while wrong, is still awesome.
However, they apparently have no trouble believing that the continents of the Earth are zipping around in that creationist 6,000 year span. Pangaea going to what we have now in so short a span seems a little silly. Using some off the cuff math, I figured that means that continents should theoretically be moving at around ¾ of a mile a year. It would literally be fast enough for us to freakin' see happening.
"Its lack of legal status and its use at official state functions fascinate liberals and liberal observers. For example, the Chinese performed it during Richard Nixon's visit in 1972."
OK, what on Earth does one have to do with the other? And how on Earth can someone be fascinated by the legal status of a song? I'm being paid to be fascinated and I'm not. I did go visit the supposedly liberal Wikipedia entry on the list, and yes, there is a small paragraph detailing the arguments for and against the replacement of "the Star-Spangled Banner" with America the Beautiful" because of the latter's easier melody and lack of war themes, but it's hardly fascinating.
I also fail to see how China playing the song for Nixon in 1972 is an example of why it allegedly fascinates American liberals.
"BFF commitments, while largely unsuccessful because of the young age at which entrants begin the union, can be seen as an alternative to adolescent dating and premarital sex."
The entry for BFFs on the site takes the concept very, very seriously. By contrast Wikipedia dedicates less than a hundred words to the subject, but Conservapedia really delves into it's meaning, even commenting favorably on the South Park episode of the same name. However, the editors apparently believe that the relationship is an honest-to-God legal union, and even scold the media for trivializing the term. If any article on the site was definitely written by a pissed off 8-year-old girl, it's this one.
"The game contains violence, occultism, many minigames are about deceiving others, one of the characters constantly disrespects authority figures."
Sometimes I wonder if the editors of Conservapedia are from this planet. If there is any video game besides some puzzlers and some sports games that doesn't contain at least some form of violence I haven't seen it in the last 30 years. Even Kirby beats up sentient trees, and he's a happy thought in shoes.
But it's the disrespecting authority figures one that cracks me up. Can you imagine a game where your hero always did whatever authority told them to? I can, it's called Metroid: Other M, and it's the most boring, sexist thing to ever grace a console. Seriously, the most badass and legendary bounty hunter in the galaxy spends 90 percent of the game equipped with infinite weapons of incredible power, but doesn't use them because her father figure "hasn't authorized" them. That's what respecting authority in video games gets you.
"Violent crime is committed more by unmarried young adult men than by married young adult men."
It's not that this sentence is inaccurate, it's not. Single men are five times more likely to commit a violent crime than a married man, and it's a young man's game as well. That being said, that sentence is the entire entry on the subject. No definitions, no statistics, just that one simple sentence is all you need to know about violent crime.
"Matt Smith has been confirmed to take Tennant's place in series 5 of Doctor Who. He is the youngest actor to play the role and is expected to bring radical changes with him. This, in fact, happened in 2010, but the page has not yet been updated. Someone should really update this."
In the time I cut and pasted this paragraph and the time I loaded the article into the database someone did in fact update this, but isn't that a scream? Someone went into the entry on Matt Smith as the Eleventh Doctor and rather than fixing it said someone else would have to do it.
Fun fact, the only Doctor to get his own entry? Tom Baker. Can't say Conservapedia users don't have their priorities straight.
"The movie begins in Los Angeles with a party of (white) jet-setters, where Edward breaks up by phone with his New York girlfriend."
If anyone can explain to me why the parenthetical reference to the race of Richard Gere's friends is necessary I would surely appreciate it. I mean, the article already establishes that the movie stars Gere and Julia Roberts, two people that ensure pretty much any movie they appear in is going to be have more crackers than a soup convention. I guess this was just to head off possible viewers that were worried these were jet-setting rappers.
"In addition, soy has been linked to thyroid problems that may cause fat buildup - with the amount of tofu eaten by liberal atheists, maybe that explains the high rate of obesity among atheists?"
The weird thing on Conservapedia is the places that you find odd bubbles of tolerance. For instance, the entries on Satanism and Wicca are both pretty fair and accurate, but if you're an atheist be prepared for a lot of abuse. In addition to collections of stereotypes like this hilarious attempt at a sentence, it links right to an entire articles that weds atheism and obesity together.
It's also one of the biggest articles on the site, mostly basing its strength on a Gallup poll where very religious people scored 66.3 percent on their Healthy Behavior Index while the nonreligious scored a paltry... 58.3 percent. It has a picture of Greta Christina in 2007 showing her being clearly overweight and gay, which is also something that tends toward fatties in two separate other articles.
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