5 Ways to Celebrate the Takeover of Texas After Jade Helm
If you believe the more tinfoilier parts of the Internet, the takeover of Texas and establishment of Barack HUSSEIN Obama as our new God-King is nigh. Jade Helm, the massive military exercise that will take place here and in four other states, starts this week, and everyone from Alex Jones to Chuck Norris warns that it’s actually a cover for a quite literal coup d’etat (The fact that Texas is kind of, you know, already ruled by the federal government seems to have eluded a lot of these people). Even our own governor has weighed in, planning on having the Texas State Guard monitor the exercise. What the hell the Texas State Guard would do against the largest military in the world if they did something shady is beyond me, though I expect the answer rhymes with “fun array”.
But hey, maybe they’re right. Maybe the Lone Star State will burn and Obama will rule us in Doom-armor forged from the slag of our F-350s. It could happen. Well, I like to be prepared and now offer myself to Caesar Obamanus as overseer of the cowed. Let’s make this the bestest tyrannical regime change ever. How can we celebrate after Jade Helm?
5. Gun Funerals
Surely the first order of business in the new Texas will be the rounding up of all the freedom sticks so that resistance to the New World Order will be minimal. I understand that many of you have grown attached to these deadly symbols of freedom, and that having them taken from you and thrown into an active volcano represents significant emotional distress.
The answer is gun funerals! We will hold mass services where we will sing Nugentian Hymns and tell of fond days spent with our Firearm-Americans. Excerpts from the writings of Patrick Henry will be read, and plastic gun replicas will be laid in silk-lined caskets and buried beneath the prairie. Though solemn, these ceremonies will hopefully bring closure in the new age.
4. Bacon Gorge
Once Texas — surely the only thing that has been standing in Obama’s way of total power — has fallen it is widely expected he will remove his Christian mask and expose his true Muslim face. All Bibles will immediately turn blank and the churches will be closed. Sharia Law will be our only rule.
It also means bacon, the official food of the Iinternet, will be banned. I suggest restaurant crawls to gorge ourselves on the last of the pig flesh. The Oceaniare’s bacon-filled mac & cheese, the soft-shelled crab BLT at Davis Street and the impossible glory of the Macon Doughnut at Glazed will all be tipped into the maws of Houstonians. We will tell our grandchildren in hushed whispers of the last days of the bacon, before the Empire came.
Pictured: Patriotism, apparently
Photo by Jef Rouner
3. Missionary Procreative Sex Competitions
Now that queerbomination has been instituted in all 50 states the next phase of Cultural Marxism will need to be implanted after the takeover; enforced homosexuality. Traditional marriage will be rent in twain, and men and women will be partnered with same-sex spouses to fulfill the appetite of the beast they call Tah Lo Rinz.
However, though the government is evil (and spiders!) they are not foolish. They know that the empire will require new generations of slaves. Rather than assign reproduction to a shameful, closeted act I propose mass exhibitions where chosen few prove their worth to the state in orgies of procreative and mercifully brief missionary position sex. Let the lost art of God’s Boning remain as both a means of workforce creation and an opiate to the masses who wish to recall the Old Ways.
2. Workplace Blood Bacchanal
Hear that tapping sound? That’s the hoof-steps of socialism merrily skipping its way into Texas. After Obama puts down all resistance nothing will stop him from strapping us down and waterboarding us with socialized medicine as he gleefully urinates on all of our paychecks.
Well, if we’re going to be taxed for healthcare then by God we’re going to use it! No longer will we be tied to our job for medical reasons. Let us rise up and tell Ted in accounting what we think of him playing Sunny 99.1 FM too loudly. Tell him with a chair to the face! Who cares! If we get fired for inciting a mass violent uprising we can still get our wounds dressed in the government hospital, and since we’re not working it won’t even be us paying for it. (Ed. Note: This is one of the many reasons Jef works from home and is wheeled into meetings Hannibal Lecter-style).
1. Race to Mexico
Lastly, as Donald Trump continues to prophesize Obama’s most fervent wish is to open the southern borders and let Mexicans invade us for the purposes of rape and murder. With Jade Helm the government should easily be able to tear down the walls and unleash the human wave. By the way, I’m not entirely certain Donald Trump knows the difference between Hispanics and zombies, or the difference between a tweet and a runny shart either.
Now I know that sounds terrifying to the sort of people who feel threatened by the trailer for White People, but you’re missing a golden opportunity. If all the Mexicans come here, then Mexico will be empty. I propose a nice mash-up between The Hunger Games and Wacky Races. Those who would not be slaves will be allowed to compete in a drive for their life from here to Mexico. The few, brave winners that survive the deadly competition will be granted entry into our southern neighbor where they may take up residence in all the abandoned mansions of drug lords who have been summoned by the Obamanti-Christ to be his Obamatons. The rest of us will watch and learn the price of trying to flee, but there will also be like tailgating and BBQ and stuff so it will be sort of awesome. Oh, and the winners will all get reality shows. That’s not Jade Helm’s fault; that’s just modern television for you. Regardless, I think with a little good old American ingenuity this occupation and subjugation of our state can be a fun time for the whole family.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Houston, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.