Dear Penis: 20 Songs About The Tube Snake Boogie
Good Lord, what would we do if not for Weinergate? It's hot as hell outside, the Astros are terrible and Rick Perry might run for president next year. But as long as there are congressmen tweeting pictures of their junk to women they barely know, Rocks Off has a reason to get up in the morning. And by get up, we mean get up.
But anyone can just whip it out on Twitter or even in the movies. It takes real talent to memorialize your male parts in song. Call it a one-eyed cat peepin' in a seafood store, a love gun or just a dick in a box, the penis has inspired some pretty memorable poetry through the years. Rocks Off stroked around the Internet for a while this morning to see how many of pop's most priapic moments would expose themselves.
It wasn't hard. Our only regret is that parents left for a two-week vacation in Florida today. We know they would be so proud.
G.G. Allin, "Cock on the Loose": This is just the first cock-related title that came up (oops) when we scrolled down a list of GG's songs; its distaff twin "Cunt on the Loose" wasn't far behind. Did you know he also covered Warren Zevon's "Carmelita"?
Prince, "Soft & Wet": According to funnyordie.com, "Prince's penis has its own penis. And it's bigger than yours." According to this song from his 1978 debut For You, "I got a sugarcane that I wanna lose in you... baby can you stand the pain?" Happy birthday, dude.
See Also: Prince, "Come"; Prince, "Gett Off"; Prince, "Head"
Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Dat Nigga Daz & Nate Dogg: "Deez Nuts": One of Nate's best. Step forward, everyone who has not tried the opening lines of this Chronic track in their own conversation. ("Did what's his name done get at you yesterday?") Not so fast there, Rocks Off.
Frank Zappa & the Mothers of Invention, "Bwana Dik": Perhaps it's best to let Frank himself take this one.
XTC, "Pink Thing": Even Andy Partridge's highbrow New Wavers weren't above a little tallywhacker talk on 1989's Oranges & Lemons: "When I stroke your head I feel a hundred heartbeats high."
Lyle Lovett, "Choke My Chicken": Rocks Off has a pretty good idea which natural force the brand-new official Texas State Musician is referring to on this not-so-square dance from his excellent 2009 album.
ZZ Top, "Tube Snake Boogie": Billy, Frank and Dusty keep it all in the family.
Aerosmith, "Big Ten Inch Record": Originally recorded by tenor saxophonist Bull Moose Jackson in 1952, Aerosmith's Toys In the Attic version has inspired quite a bit of debate over whether Steven Tyler is saying "suck on my ten-inch record" or "'cept for my ten-inch record," as per the original lyrics. Here's a hint: It doesn't really matter.
Lou Reed, "My Red Joystick": Who knew Lou liked to play video games?
Huey Lewis & the News, "The Heart of Rock & Roll": Rocks Off's favorite music-related urban legend of all time is that the real heart of rock and roll beats within Huey Lewis' trousers, which is why we never get tired of inserting Lewis into lists like this.
Grace Jones, "Pull Up To the Bumper": The freaky Jamaican-born performance-art diva is not giving a parking lesson on this pop-locking 1981 dance-club hit. Well, she is, but... you know. Cool song.
Sons of Funk, "Pushin' Inside of You": This Bay Area R&B quartet made Jodeci look like choirboys. Due to the massive volume of paternity suits traced directly back to this song from 1998's The Game of Funk, Sons of Funk were never allowed to make another album.
Kevin Fowler, "Don't Touch My Willie": Texas country's reigning redneck is a little protective of his Red-Headed Stranger... albums. Cough.
Bo Carter, "My Pencil Don't Write Anymore": And thus the true meaning of "get the lead out" is revealed.
Peter Gabriel, "Sledgehammer": One comment we ran across this morning put it nicely: "The sperm in the video is a pretty good clue."
Rufus Thomas, "Walking the Dog": The Memphis soul legend's 1963 hit, since covered by the Stones, Sonics, Aerosmith, etc., may or may not be about a common yo-yo trick.
Rodney Carrington, "Dear Penis": Maybe Rep. Weiner's organ would not have felt the need to lash out if the congressman had just sat down with it for a nice conversation, as country comedian Carrington does here: "Why can't we just get a grip on our man-to-hand relationship?"
King Missile, "Detachable Penis": Duh. Rocks Off wasn't even going to attach Texan John Hall's semi-follow-up to the Pixies' "Where Is My Mind?" to this list, but then we realized we were one away from 20, and it was either this or Monty Python's "The Penis Song," which is in a class by itself. But we do like this one a lot.
AC/DC, "Shoot to Thrill": The Aussie legends have never met a double-entendre they couldn't turn up to 11. Just be careful where you're aiming, or you might get "The Jack."
The Rolling Stones, "Rocks Off": You do know where the nomenclature of our esteemed blog, er, comes from, right? OK, that's enough.
Because someone wanted to write a play about the male member in April 2006, Yahoo's Outsider Music message board helped Rocks Off firm up this list quite a bit.
All right. That's it, we promise.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Houston, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.