Auburn Offensive Coordinator Gus Malzahn's Wife Is Insane (w/ VIDEO)
Going off the rails on the Malzahn train....
Simultaneous with the push toward bowl season every year, we have the college football coaching carousel that begins spinning around Thanksgiving and doesn't stop until around the time the bowl games end (or until around spring practice if your quarterback is trading signed memorabilia for tattoos).
The intrigue of who ends up where is very exciting to me, and this season we have some major job openings. We've already seen Urban Meyer wind up at Ohio State. Now we wait and see who gets the openings (or soon to be openings) at Penn State, UCLA, Arizona State and Illinois (to name a few).
One name whose stock has probably risen and plummeted like Blue Star Airlines in Wall Street over the last four days is that of Auburn offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn.
Rice University Owls Football vs. Prairie View A&M University Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 22, 2:30pm
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. UCF Knights Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 29, 11:00am
Rice University Owls Football vs. Florida Atlantic University Owls Football
TicketsSat., Nov. 5, 2:30pm
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. Tulane University Football
TicketsSat., Nov. 12, 11:00am
Malzahn's wife Kristi recently spoke at a Christian Leadership Summit, and basically sprayed verbal bullets on everyone from Lou Holtz to Michael Dyer to her own kids. The only one who seemed truly safe from her wrath was Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton, for whom she appears to have some sort of quasi-cougar affinity. You'll see.
Here is the video with my chronological breakdown below:
0:10 -- It is established that the person conducting the interview with Kristi Malzahn is Dr. Ronnie Floyd, a pastor of over 35 years whose "experience, wisdom and passion for God make him a powerful proclaimer of God's word." That may all be true, but his hair makes him a televangelist. Just saying.
0:56 -- Floyd talks about how Gus Malzahn turned down $3 million to become a head coach at places but "we know that day will come for him." Little did Floyd know we were 30 minutes away from that not happening.
1:31 -- Kristi starts in on how happy she is that her kids are out of the house, to the point where she does a mini "hand and body shake" gesture reminiscent of a contestant being asked to "come on down" on The Price Is Right. Bonus bite: Floyd's "ummm...that's good" at 2:01.
2:10 -- Kristi tells all the Auburn fans (and college football fans in general) that they are absolutely nuts, and she marvels that anyone would want her husband's autograph. Kristi, if your trees start to die in the next week or so, don't be surprised. That's "crazy college football fan's" go-to move. Tree killing. You know this.
3:30 -- Kristi talks about a trip she and Gus made to Lou Holtz's house, and she pokes fun at Holtz's lisp, which admittedly I've done before on my show. But then again, I'm not the wife of an aspiring college football head coach.
4:00 -- Kristi reveals that Gus is in the office at 7:15 a.m. and comes home at 1:15 a.m. Which is about six hours less per day in the office than I expected, given how the first four minutes of this video went.
4:45 -- Kristi was not impressed by Gus's offense performance in the national championship game. "Twenty-two points? Really?" I'm starting to think that Kristi is a little tough to please. Perhaps even a little entitled. God help Gus if he doesn't bring it in the bedroom in those eight minutes per day that he's actually at home. 5:50 -- The overly smug look on her face as Floyd tries to figure out why exactly he asked her to come speak at this event is priceless. Also, it's the first time in this video that I suspect she may be mixing her meds.
6:05 -- Floyd asks her about Cam Newton, and this is no joke -- Kristi Malzahn either thinks Newton is a Hollywood cake boy or she wants to sleep with him. With the "he's cute" and "he's a pretty boy" comments, it's one or the other. Nothing else is in play.
6:20 -- "I love him" whisper about Cam. We have our answer.
6:30 -- Kristi reveals that Newton's recruitment lasted all of two weeks. Why not just give us the serial numbers on the hundred-dollar bills that filled the briefcase you handed to his dad? A two-week recruitment leading to a signing of the soon-to-be Heisman Trophy winner. Not suspicious at all.
6:45 -- Kristi outs Gus for literally crying about not being able to please Cam Newton, and she punctuates it with an unsympathetic "welcome to my world," so apparently Kristi Malzahn has a hard time satisfying Cam Newton, too.
7:20 -- She's on Twitter! FOLLOW!
9:05 -- Kristi calls pretty much all 18- to 22-year-olds stupid, which may get brought up in recruiting against Auburn, seeing as recruits are all...you know...around 18 years old.
10:51 -- Kristi reveals that the pregame ritual is "recruiting." Coach Malzahn, the NCAA is on line one.
There's a reason why coaches' wives don't meet with the media. You just spent the last 12 minutes or so watching it.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game and Yahoo! Sports Radio from noon to 3 p.m. weekdays and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.