Tomorrow is May Day. It doesn’t mean a lot in the U.S., but in many nations it’s their version of Labor Day.
Back in the day, when there was such a thing as the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, May Day was a big, big deal. Soviet leaders would stand on a huge stage as mighty missiles, demonstrating the USSR’s supposed “missile gap” over the USA, would parade by. Kremlinologists would pore over pictures to see who was standing where on the stand and what that meant about the Soviet hierarchy.
The USSR is no more, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t notice the day. So let’s rate the nine leaders of the Soviet Union, based completely on their hotness. (If we agreed with hardliners — or Mitt Romney’s advisers, who believe there’s still a Soviet Union and a Czechoslovakia — the shirtless judo expert Vladimir Putin would be number one.)
9. Nikita Khrushchev
The entertaining book K Blows Top looks at Nikita Khrushchev’s incredible 1959 trip to America, including a trip to the filming of the Frank Sinatra-Shirley MacLaine epic Can-Can. He denounced it as pornographic, which, along with his looks, makes him completely unhot. MacLaine’s memories of the event don’t reveal any hidden hotness on the part of Big K.
8. Konstantin Chernenko
K-Cee lasted only a year and a month as the Soviet leader, and you don’t think Ronald Reagan was heartbroken?
“I keep trying to negotiate with the Soviet leaders, and they keep dying on me,” he said, and you can almost feel the tears as he contemplates what could have been with his potential Konstantin Kompanion.
7. Georgy Malenkov
Oooh, that casual lock of hair falling so sensuously across the forehead? You have us singing:
6. Yuri Andropov
Okay, maybe not the most studly guy around, but if you’re a fan of John LeCarré’s books (or movies), he’s the epitome of Karla.
5. Josef Stalin
Mustache rides five kopecks, ladies.
4. Leonid Brezhnev
Hotttt man-on-man action!! With the head of East Germany, Erich Honecker!!
And just to show he didn’t limit his lust to those behind the Iron Curtain, here he is with the sexiest president of the `60s, Richard “Call Me Dick” Nixon.
3. Alexei Rykov
Oh, look at that playa — he knows what you want. He didn’t know what the Central Committee wanted after Lenin died, however, so he was executed.
2. Mikhail Gorbachev
“Probably formidable”? Oh, he’s formidable all right. Time has tastefully hidden Gorbachev’s forehead birthmark, but the dude flaunted it like a trademark. Plus his wife, Raisa, had a bit of cougar to her.
1. Vladimir Lenin
Here’s the argument for Leonardo DiCaprio as Lenin. Need we say more?
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This article appears in Apr 26 – May 2, 2012.