As you have probably heard, Governor Rick Perry has declared today to be the first of three where Texans should pray for rain.
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Some might find it odd that Perry seems to be trying to co-opt the single most important three days of the Christian calendar, but Perry is a man who knows his place in the universe.
So pray we will.
Unfortunately, Perry's proclamation offered no proposed text for the prayer we should send on high. In case you don't know exactly how to word your desperate plea to what is apparently a fickle, sadistic Supreme Being who enjoys watching wildfires destroy homes, we give you the prayer we will be using. Feel free to use it yourself.
Our Father who art in heaven: We know You are very busy, what with making sure no gays or Jews get into heaven, but we humbly beseech thee to hear this our prayer.
We've done all we can down here -- in case You didn't notice, thy servant Senator Dan Patrick hath gotten "In God We Trust" inscribed on the walls of our legislature; We have taken bold steps to insure that the alarming takeover of America's judicial system by Sharia law doesn't happen in Texas; We have battled mightily to increase Thy customers who are sent to the afterlife by allowing guns on college campuses (We kid Thee not).
And what do we get from You in response? A drought.
Lest we sound bitter, knoweth that we're sure it's just a matter of You being distracted by American Idol voting, and that You have not actively ordered this devastation, as You do with hurricanes.
Still, Thy people are suffering.
So would it kill Thee to give us a little rain? And while You are at it, if You could find a way to stop all this bitching from laid-off teachers and the people who go on and on about how shortsighted it is to undercut public education, that would be great too.
And please O Lord, give us just the right amount of rain. We mean, since we're asking and all. None of that "Oh, you want rain, do you? Here's 18 inches in 24 hours" stuff, please.
This we humbly beseech Thee, and giveth our thanks.