Whether you just got out of prison, a nasty case of swine flu had you bedridden for weeks, or you just plain don’t like your family that much, there are a million reasons many folks wait until the last minute to go Christmas shopping. And really, who wants to truck over to Wal-Mart and risk a trampling tonight? Better you find another way to say “I like you, kind of” — like stopping at a convenience store on the way home and choosing from a surprisingly wide selection of gifts, both edible and non-edible.
Hair Balls has made a practice run, and while we told the dude behind the bullet-proof glass that we wouldn’t name his store, we’re sure that just about any convenience store carries these items, which are all under $9.99, by the way — jackpot!
So without further ado, here are some great last-minute items…
4 Guys 4-pack of undershirts (“A”-style)
If you think your dad, brother, boyfriend or prison bitch can never use another t-shirt, you would be sadly mistaken. These things are easy to lose, and every dude could use an emergency stash. Sure, a PlayStation or iPhone are things he wants, but isn’t Christmas about things we need? Like convenience-store t-shirts? Hallelujah.
Pump-Spray Desodorisant (passionfruit), by Car-Freshner
Do parrots lie? We don’t think so. And the parrot on the cover of
this handy spray bottle is nothing if not in ecstasy over the sweet,
though not overpowering, perfume of passionfruit that has permeated his
friend’s car. They might as well call this stuff WILL GET YOU LAYED
TONITE, BY CAR-FRESHNER.
Tampax, 10-packย (with unique LeakGuard skirt)
Sure, there are things we’d rather not think about, and this sort of
thing is pretty much at the top of the list. But that doesn’t mean this
wouldn’t be appreciated. Look, anyone with money in their checking
account or a decent line of credit can get diamonds from Tiffany’s, but
this is absolutely the second-best way of telling your
girlfriend/wife/mistress, “You are the only woman for me, and I
celebrate your menses.”
Stelar heavy-duty lock (key included)
You know what happened to the other “L” in “Stelar”? It got stolen,
that’s what! Obviously, it wasn’tย properly secured, as with a
heavy-duty lock from a convenience store. As evidenced from
theย no-nonsense packaging, this has industrial, commercial and residential uses.ย If anything, it can be used to lock up all the real gifts this person might receive.
Hillshire Farms Beef Lit’l Smokies (since 1934)
Sometimes you don’t want a big smokie — you just want a lit’l one.
So you shuffle over to your refrigerator and root around past Aunt
Betty’s rock-hard fruitcake and that ancient eggnogg, and then — BAM!
— thereย they are: that delicious bag of
bite-sized,ย chemically-enhancedย meat-like nuggets, with more than
enough sodium to get you through the night. And where did that bag come
from? Why, a thoughtful friend, who felt enough love for you to rush
into the gas-station food store and rifle through the freezer for
something that would be edible through at least February 1, 2010 —
that’s who.
Some quarters forย the Pot-O-Gold machineย
The three wise dudes may have brought baby Jesus gold, frankincense
and myrrh, but did they bring enough of each? What if the J-man wanted
some more gold? Well, being that he was hanging out in a manger, he’d
have been S.O.L., that’s what. But if those magi had brought him a sock
full of quarters or maybe just a few singles, he could’ve ambled over
to the convenience store and had a shot at a big ol’ Pot-O-Gold. Of
course, being Jesus and all, he probably would’ve had the upper hand on
the one-armed bandit, but we’re guessing the person you’d be giving
your quarters to is slightly less son-of-Yehova-ish. Play on, bro!
Eagleย Brand sweetened condensed milk, by Borden
There is a lot of sweetened condensed milk out there, but not all of
it is the mostย trusted, especially in America. We found this can of
Borden deliciousness next to a can of something billing itself
asย “Croatia’s Most Trusted” sweetened condensed milk, but frankly,
that’s just not good enough for a very special last-minute Christmas
gift. Trust us — spend the extra seventy-nine cents and get the good
stuff. The twinkle in your loved one’s eyesย (and the temporary spike in
her blood sugar) willย make it all worthwhile.
Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers, 4-pack
Alcohol — for when all else fails. `Nuff said.ย
This article appears in Dec 24-30, 2009.
