Title: Chum
Describe This Movie Using One The Hangover Quote:
STU: By the way, we’re all gonna die.
Brief Plot Synopsis: Worst. Honeymoon. Ever.
Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: 1 Bret Michaels out of 5.
Tagline: “There’s no hiding in the sea.”
Better Tagline: “That’s funny, because the evil sea captain actually says, ‘There’s no hiding *on* the sea.”
Not So Brief Plot Synopsis: Tina (Alice Eve) and Tom (Eric Michael Cole) just got married. On the island of Malta, of all places. The nuptials are … awkward, as Tina pounds champagne and Tom passes out on the beach. Nevertheless, their friends arrange for a three-hour booze cruise the next day. That’s good! But then a rogue white shark improbably disables the boat. That’s bad. Then a passing boat captain (Jim Klock) rescues them. That’s good! But Captain Roy is on a quest to take revenge on the shark, which apparently killed his wife five years ago. That’s bad. Can I go now?
“Critical” Analysis: Something I wrote in my review of Deep Water applies to all movies of this ilk:
I should point out that I am a sicko when it comes to shark flicks. There are some exceptions; I only ever made it through two Sharknados, for example. But in general, I’ll sit through examples ranging from good (The Shallows, The Reef) to mediocre (Bait, 47 Meters Down) to rotten chum (The Requin, Santa Jaws).
If you listed all the shark movies I’ve … endured, it would probably be close to 100. I blame Jaws and the subsequent sequels and knockoffs for permanently warping my pre-adolescent mind. Would I have gotten around to watching Chum eventually? Almost certainly. And since it was the only review option in a week where studios declined to screen Masters of the Universe or Scary Movie 6 for critics, I just hastened the inevitable.
But honestly, I’m starting to regret my choices.
Chum is a real head-scratcher. On one hand, the effects aren’t bad for the genre. Director Jonathan Zuck liberally spreads actual great white footage throughout, and even puts together some fairly gnarly attack sequences. There are only a few *glaringly* obvious CGI shots, and the gore — when we get it — is nicely excessive.
On the other … y’all, this is some of the most inept filmmaking I’ve seen outside of an Uwe Boll joint. Did I mention the movie gets the tagline wrong (or maybe it’s the other way around)? Also, Roy — our would-be Ahab — says he’s “chased the shark across the Pacific.” That’s a pretty neat trick for anyone who knows where *Malta* is. And then, when Roy rescues Tina and company, he says it’ll take them hours to beat a storm to a port on the other side of the island. Never mind that the shoreline is clearly visible behind him the entire time.
Also pretty amazing that Tina and Cole are having a “need some time to think” conversation literally the day after their wedding. I’m sure Tina’s dad would’ve liked a heads up before shelling out six mortgage payments for a destination wedding.
[You see, Alice just made partner at a law firm buying oil leases from indigenous Alaskans. This doesn’t sit well with Tom, who happens to be an environmental activist. And looks like Rufus Sewell if he’d had all his blood sucked out by Shelob.]
Captain Roy also informs us that once a shark tastes human flesh, nothing else will satisfy it*. That’s why he’s forced to use Tina and her friends for his trap. Said trap involves dunking his captives in a cage and trying to shoot the shark with a speargun he apparently never learned how to aim.
All that is bad enough, but pales in comparison to the ending. Never mind the truly baffling wraparound sequence “reuniting” Roy with his dead wife. The climax is so breathtakingly dumb I had to rewind it to make sure I wasn’t having an acid flashback. I won’t spoil it (though I seriously want to), but it’s some of the worst digitally animated human/creature action I’ve seen since Legolas mounted the horse in The Two Towers.
Seriously, I’ve been reviewing movies for 20 years and Chum’s ending is an all-timer. Were talking City of Angels/Return to ‘Salem’s Lot levels of ridiculousness.
Zuck seems to realize things are going badly at about the halfway point (the movie is a merciful 87 minutes long). At least, that’s why I assume he got Alice Eve to shed her cover-up. She’s the one actor actually taking her job semi-seriously, and he seems to think what his Hindenburg of a movie needed was cleavage.
And we can’t forget Tina and Tom’s friends. There’s trust fund baby Rick (Johnny Gaffney), aspiring mistress Britney (Lisa Yaro), flirty Rachinda (Sarah Siadat), and Tina’s sister Sadie (Elle Haymond). Only one survives. You can probably guess which.
Chum takes its place in the “killer shark” movie pantheon alongside such classics as Jaws: The Revenge and Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus. How this secured a theatrical release instead of a SyFy Channel dump is a mystery for the ages. I expect better from IFC. Or I guess I did. It’s been a mixed bag ever since those Human Centipede movies.
*Science!
Chum is in theaters today.
