This Valentine’s Day, couples from all over Houston will head to Gerald D. Hines Waterwall Park, utterly convinced it’s a romantic spot. It’s not.
Don’t get me wrong, it looks like it’s going to be romantic. There are a ton of photographers who specialize in capturing the magic of an engagement or other love-based milestone in the space. Under the care of a skilled artist, the Waterwall gives the impression of a fantasy setting.
The reality is that it’s loud, crowded, obviously wet, and it has a very unpleasant odor.
“I have never understood why people think it’s romantic,” says Jacqi Kill, lead vocalist of The Bad Drugs. “It’s awe inspiring but being damp with water that smells funny isn’t sexy to me. It’s like Niagara Falls except wack as hell.”
Like Niagara Falls, the Waterwall is overwhelmingly loud. There is no chance to have a romantic conversation there unless you feel like shouting it at your beloved. It’s definitely not a date destination for anyone who doesn’t like staring at the same thing in silence.
On top of that, it’s surprisingly hard to get to for something that is referred to as a park. Not only is it right off one of the busiest and most congested highway interchanges in the city, visitors have to park hundreds of feet away in a parking garage or distant lot.
Once you get there, there isn’t enough seating, so most couples are simply standing around awkwardly. Expect to spend at least some of your time there being drafted by other couples to take pictures in front of the Waterwall. God help you if you get snagged by a social media climber who wants to get the perfect shot by bullying a volunteer.
“It’s a very large, very boring, somewhat smelly, and often crowded water feature,” says Melissa McClung, a former vet tech from Houston. “Very overhyped and oversold. I was in my 20s, new to Houston, and some dude took me there for a first date expecting me to swoon, and I was so underwhelmed. I guess, from the ‘romance’ angle, my point is that I found myself wondering, ‘Why are we here? We’re standing here watching water do what water does, in not a particularly spectacular fashion… and everybody’s acting like it’s amazing. What the fuck?’ Not at all romantic, just weird and confusing.”
If you want to see a waterfall and actually enjoy the experience, I recommend the McGovern Centennial Gardens. The waterfall is far more modest, but it’s surrounded by prettier scenery and the area smells like flowers. Couples can wander all over the gardens if it gets too crowded, and parking is plentiful and accessible.
Oh, and the McGovern Gardens has easily accessible bathrooms. Spend five minutes in front of the Hines Waterwall and thoughts of romance are slowly consumed by a need to go potty.
Speaking of potty, people bring their dogs to the Waterwall constantly, and they aren’t particularly careful about cleaning it up. So, the smell of dog poop mixes weirdly with that of industrial water, creating essentially the opposite of a flower bouquet. Go where the actual flowers are, instead.
This article appears in Jan 1 – Dec 31, 2024.
