Review: Salem's Lot

Title: ‘Salem’s Lot

Describe This Movie Using One 9 to 5 Quote:

VIOLET: He says we have a short in the trunk.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Bring out your undead.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: 2.5 vampire Bart Simpsons out of 5

Tagline: “Be careful what you invite inside.”

Better Tagline: “Be […] you […] inside.”

Not So Brief Plot Synopsis: Writer Ben Mears (Lewis Pullman) has returned to the small Maine town of [Jeru] Salem’s Lot to research his next book. While there, he makes the acquaintance of Susan Norton (Makenzie Leigh), teacher Matt Burke (Bill Camp), Doctor Cody (Alfre Woodard), and young Mark Petrie (Jordan Preston Carter). All of whom independently arrive at the same conclusion: the Lot has a vampire problem.

“Critical” Analysis: Stephen King’s second novel has now enjoyed three onscreen adaptations. The first, a 1979 TV miniseries starring David “Hutch” Soul and James Mason, is still fondly remembered (admittedly, that might be thanks to a foundational Gen X scare scene). An emo 2004 TNT series starring Rob Lowe followed, and now Gary Dauberman — writer of the Annabelle movies and It — gets his turn.

It says something that so many attempts have been made to do justice to ‘Salem’s Lot, not only is it (at one point, anyway) King’s favorite of his own works, but it and the also thrice-adapted Carrie are King’s oldest works. Several of his novels/stories are just behind at two attempts, including The Shining, The Stand, It, Trucks, and others).

The less said about the eight (!?!) Children of the Corn sequels, the better.

On one hand, we should be grateful Dauberman’s movie even saw the light of the day. Production ended back in 2022, and after a theatrical release date was pulled, there were serious questions whether it would debut on Max at all, or suffer the same “Zaslavization” as Batgirl, Coyote vs. Acme, and Scoob!

All of which is a long-winded way of saying, I’m glad for what we got, but wish it could’ve been more. Much more.

Dauberman’s ‘Salem’s Lot has been edited mercilessly to fit into a two-hour movie timeframe (original runtime was reportedly three hours). The most affecting aspects of the book were the framing of the death of a small town and the dawning realization that overtakes the protagonists, who then have to wrestle with their own education and worldviews to accept reality (as Father Callahan matter-of-factly asks Burke in the book, “Vampires in the Lot?”).

Here? It’s basically instantaneous. Constable Gillespie (William Sadler) makes the connection between his “dying town” and the arrival of Barlow (Alexander Ward) and decides “things have gone bad in the Lot now” after … 36 hours? Doc Cody and Matt Burke make similar hasty conclusions, all with little to no hesitation. Hesitation that would be pretty understandable considering they’re fucking vampires.

As with previous efforts, many character arcs are truncated, if not completely eliminated. Dud Rogers, the McDougalls, the Sawyers, Weasel Craig, and the Marsten House’s background are completely excised, while Mark’s parents backstory is eliminated, relegating them to a two-minute appearance. Sue Norton is now Larry Crockett’s secretary, and Father Callahan (John Benjamin Hickey) gets what amounts to a bit part.

It’s frustrating, because here’s good stuff here: crosses glowing like Sting (the sword from the Hobbit, not the Police frontman) whenever the vampires are near, the whole autumnal ’70s vibe, Camp and Woodard (who’s mostly wasted), Dauberman’s fairly gripping action scenes, the vampires are suitably creepy, and the ending is unambiguous (if ultimately goofy). I didn’t even mind Barlow looking he came off the set of The Strain. Unlike the ’79 version, this one can talk, and unlike Rutger Hauer from the ’04 series, Ward actually learned his lines (well, “line”).

But what end up with has been gutted as badly as Win Purinton’s dog. A climactic scene with a certain character-turned-vampire has hilarious continuity errors, there’s a foreshadowing glimpse of one of the book’s antagonists (Charlie Rhodes) that goes nowhere, and a shot of Father Callahan post-Barlow encounter makes it clear a key scene was filmed, but not included.

It’d be nice to think we’ll get a director’s cut one day, but given the current ownership at Max, I wouldn’t hold my breath. Because after three tries, maybe it’s time to put a stake in the Lot once and for all.

‘Salem’s Lot is now streaming on Max.