Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, e'ryyyyyyyybodyyyyyyy!
So you wanna party for spring break with the college kids, huh? But what's that you say? You're just as broke as a college kid? Well, it's obviously gotta be Spring Break in the Lone Star State, son! And you're in luck, because we know a thing or two about beer bongs and Texas.
Pack up your banana hammock, your sweet neon '80s jammers and your zinc oxide, and let's hit the road, fools. It's Spring Break 2014! Whoooooooooo!
(Side note: If you're over the age of 30, please feel free to change the name of this list in your head to "Ten Places to Avoid Like the Plague During Spring Break. We're right there with you, as a member of the olds.)
10. Lake Texoma Lake Texoma: It's Red River to the west, Washita River to the North and yet somehow always skin central. It's a bit puzzling, but still awesome. This massive lake, situated on the Texas-Oklahoma border, is only about an hour's drive from Dallas, and is 89,000 acres worth of friggin' lake. Yet somehow, even with the massive size, it's a madhouse during spring break, thanks to the Dallas natives and the college kids who flock there.
Fobb Bottom, an area near the Oklahoma side of the lake, is where it's at if you're looking for spring break-size antics, though. It's where the young'uns flock to, and is home to one huge party during spring break. You can head that way, too, but make sure to take your well-stocked cooler with you. No one likes that kind of party foul. Even college kids.
9. Comal River Ooh, you know what the Comal River means, right? Tubin', fools! It's basically a requirement to drink while tubing, and you can do so with about a billion other tubers during spring break on the Comal. It's prime spring break pickin's, where you'll come across groups of friendly tubers every few feet. Feel free to scream "Spring Break 2014!" to your heart's content on this river; everyone else will be right there with ya.
True story: We once got stuck on this river while tubing because the water was low, and we decided it would be prudent to lighten our load by getting rid of our water and drinking the vodka. Turns out it was a terrible idea, and when we finally made it to the end of the line six hours later, we looked a bit scary from the sunburn and the intoxication. So be careful, hard-partiers. The life of a spring break tuber can be a dangerous one.
8. San Marcos Three words: San Marcos River. Oh, and three more words: Texas State University. That's six words of spring break awesomeness, guys. The San Marcos River is the only spring-fed river in the area, and it's always a perfect 72 degrees, which means you won't have to deal with the dreaded spring break shrinkage while trying to impress the ladies. (Please don't try to impress the ladies like that, even on spring break.)
7. San Antonio So, if you're looking to party, San Antonio may be just your place. There's the River Walk, Alamo Heights, and really, we're just yanking your chain, guys! San Antonio is not the one for spring break, unless you're a glutton for boring punishment. Remember the Alamo, and save that trip for a time when you're not looking to shotgun a beer out of some dude's armpit.
6. Corpus Christi The beach is kind of the greatest place ever for spring break partying, and Corpus Christi is one of the better Texas beaches to beer bong your days away. You can BYOB to the beach, or you can party your little college ass off at one of the dance clubs, whatever floats your spring break boat. We do have one suggestion, though: Make as your Corpus spring break headquarters. A lot of the beaches around Corpus are pretty family-friendly during spring break, but that place has got just the crowd -- and the debauchery -- that you're looking for.
5. Guadalupe River What, what! No "can ban" on the Guadalupe River, which means you can drink beer to your little heart's content without risking a stern talking-to by the powers that be. If you head out to the Guadalupe for spring break, you can rest assured you'll be flanked by the hardest of spring break party crowds as they kick back on their tubes with nothin' to do but kill time.
4. Lake Travis Or, more specifically, Devil's Cove on Lake Travis. It's the party cove on Lake Travis, which is already a damn party lake, so it seriously just doubles the debauchery. We aren't sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but we'll let you decide for yourself. Please stay away from any sort of liquor that comes housed in a plastic bottle. Your hangover will thank us.
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3. Austin We don't need to tell you why Austin is one of the best places to party for spring break, do we? Between 6th Street, Barton Springs and SXSW, which is happening during spring break, you should find plenty of booze-fueled chaos to write home about. 'Nuff said.
2. Port Aransas That's "Port A" for you spring break newbies, by the way. Port A manages to rival some of its beach brethren for the top Texas beach spot, but it's not quite there yet in terms of good ol' skanky fun. Don't get that twisted, though. It comes in as a very close beach runner-up, with Mustang Island being central to the spring break madness.
Mustang Beach is full of college kids on spring break, and they line the sandy beaches as far as the eye can see, with nothing but partying in their line of sight. So if you're looking to drink your body weight in Jägermeister and Red Bull, this is the place for you. Not us, because we're old, but you.
1. And, South Padre Island, as the place that will always top these lists. Well, at least until MTV stops filming the debauchery, anyway. Have fun with your foam parties and Lil John sightings, kiddos. We can't hang, so we're headed back to grown-up spring break (which is really just secret adult-code for work).