You know you loved these shows--after it got dark and everyone else in the house went to bed, those soft-core wonders of cock-socks and strategically placed hands. The simulated bumping and grinding giving younger viewers (like this writer), a false impression of where everything was supposed to fit during crazed sexual intercourse.

Before the Internet explosion of the late '90s, soft-core porn on Cinemax, HBO and Showtime was a prime spot for those younger viewers not old enough to buy real pornography (or just sans an older male sibling). Now kids can dial up any fetish on their cell phones or sext a friend from school to get their jollies. Not so just a decade ago, the dark ages of fappage as us born in the early '80s can attest to.

We salute those 30-minute blocks of women in high-waisted bikinis, seedy hotel owners, hookers with hearts of gold, and sweaty himbos laying down with some of the best physical, yet wooden-acting, specimens that Playboy, Penthouse, and maybe even Hustler had to offer.

Some of the talent, like David Duchovny of Red Shoe Diaries and Krista Allen from Emmanuelle In Space, would go on to bigger and better things (like The X-Files and dating George Clooney), but for the rest, they remain in our hearts forever for their dedication to no penetration and to award-worthy mimed fellatio and cunnilingus.

Hot Springs Hotel (Showtime)

Emmanuelle: In Space (Cinemax)

Hotel Erotica (Cinemax)