Pop Culture

The Official Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Wedding Present Gift Guide

Tabloids and quasi-sorta tabloid Gawker are buzzing today that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie could be getting married this weekend in France during a 50th wedding anniversary hoedown for Pitt's folks.

The pair has been living in sin for nearly a decade, since Pitt and Jolie started having sex while filming 2005's Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Now, nearly eight years down the line, the couple are the proud parents of five kids, including a sixth, the well-coiffed Maddox, who Jolie adopted in 2002.

If they do get married this weekend, it won't be a surprise, and it also won't be a surprise if they don't because you won't remember this was even a story by Monday morning, unless they get married in the nude and TMZ posts the photos.

Pitt has said in the past that the pair would get married the day that same-sex couples all across America could as well.

Funny that this anniversary party is happening, considering that Jolie was super-pissed about Pitt's mother coming out against gay marriage. Maybe she's just getting married to upstage Mama Pitt, like in all those movies with Katherine Heigl.

But since for the purposes of this blog they must get married, I came up with a few gift ideas for the newlywed couple.

Scratch-Off-Where-You've-Been Map

These two sure do like to travel, for work and for fun, so this handy map of all the places they have been to, together and apart, would be a good addition to one of their homes. Hell, Angelina can even plot where she is going to buy more kids.

A Crock-Pot A busy mother like Angelina doesn't have time to slave over a hot stove to make delicious meals for her mini-army. A Crock-Pot would allow her to throw a few healthy ingredients into the pot, set a time and forget it.

AC/DC Wine

Because Angelina looks like she likes to cut loose. She seems like a Thunder Struck Chardonnay gal!

A Gift Certificate to Chili's

I hope they can find a sitter for the kids and spend a night out together, and maybe get one of those $20 For 2 deals, or maybe spice things up with a top-shelf marg or two and see where the evening takes them.

Babell XL Tiered Serving Tray

You get it? Because Brad was in that movie Babel? Oh, forget it, you're no fun.

Dual Gym Memberships

Being the parents of a dozen kids or something can't be easy on the figure. They can drop off the kids in the children's fitness center and go to a Pilates class together.

Personalized Beer Holster

When Brad is out in the backyard cooking vegan brats for the kids and needs somewhere to hold his cold one. You think Brad is a Coors Light man?

An Oscar For Brad

Poor thing doesn't have one yet, though he deserved one for 12 Monkeys and Tree of Life.

A Video Camera

Ya know, for videos. Sexy videos.

A Copy of Fifty Shades of Grey

Speaking of spicing up the bedroom, why not give the Brangelina the gift of mommy smut? Because it's not like Angelina ever fucked ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton in a cage with live tigers watching while they were both covered in vomit or anything.

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Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty