Title: Road House
Describe This Movie Using One They Live Quote
NADA: I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I’m all out of bubblegum.
Brief Plot Synopsis: Ex-MMA fighter finds love and laughter while breaking bones in the Florida Keys.
Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: 3 Joe Banks out of 5.
Tagline: “Take it outside.”
Better Tagline: “Crocodiles. Why’d it have to be crocodiles?”
Not So Brief Plot Synopsis: Ex-UFC fighter Dalton (Jake Gyllenhaal) is down on his luck when opportunity — in the form of Frankie (Jessica Williams) — comes knocking. Seems Frankie’s been having a but of ruffian trouble at her Florida Keys road house called … the Road House. She offers Dalton $20K to help and, following a fortuitous railroad crossing incident, he agrees. Along the way, he makes the acquaintance of the local doctor (Daniela Melchior), a wannabe crime boss (Billy Magnussen), and a ‘roided out leprechaun (Conor McGregor).
“Critical” Analysis: 1989’s Road House, the Patrick Swayze flick best known for oily tai chi, peak Sam Elliott, and inspiring MacGruber’s throat rips, will probably never get a Criterion release. Cheesy even by ’80s action standards (“Pain don’t hurt,” Ben Gazzara), no one will ever accuse it of being essential cinema.
Except me. I love that dumbass movie.
Doug Liman’s remake only takes itself slightly more seriously than its predecessor. Like Swayze’s version, Gyllenhaal’s Dalton has a backstory where he kills a guy. The difference here is we get to see the flashbacks. Honestly, they’re not very illuminating. As in 1989, get Dalton mad at your own peril.
The Keys are a more scenic backdrop than the Missouri of the original (sorry, relatives). Instead of a barn loft, Dalton sleeps in a boat. And as with the original, Nuevo Road House doesn’t lack for comic relief among the baddies. Brandt’s pretty comical in his own right, and the equivalent of Tinker (the guy the polar bear fell on) is Moe (Arturo Castro) the biker gang member who just wants to ride.
But probably the greatest comic relief is McGregor as Knox, the clinically insane baddie whose skills at MMA and walking around with his ass hanging out have him in hot demand with the criminal element.
One character notices how close Dalton’s tale resembles those of classic Westerns, a line intended as meta commentary on what’s transpiring on screen. But it’s an anachronistic assessment, and not just in the expected ways. Yes; the idea of full-on bar brawls is comical (been going to bars since I was 17 — sorry, Mom — and have yet so see one), but so is the idea of sending hired goons (hired goons?) to comically destroy an establishment in order to drive out the owners.
This is 2024, man. Gin up some fuckery with the title records. Brandt clearly has access to money and his old man owns the cops, so plant some drugs or other incriminating evidence in Frankie’s office (anyone can apparently wander into the bar at any time). Do that, and a mostly naked Conor MacGregor doesn’t even need to get involved.
Gyllenhaal’s Weird Dalton is a bit off-putting, but it’s not a dealbreaker. His loose chemistry helps carry things until the end, when Mr. Vengeance takes over. Less agreeable is the excessive CGI in the fight scenes, and how few and far between they are.
Road House is now streaming on Prime Video.
This article appears in Jan 1 – Dec 31, 2024.
