It started with a pinching of your cheeks. A vigorous pat on your head. Now, it’s turned into a full scale interrogation.
Thanksgiving dinners signify togetherness and appreciation. They may also signify the first time in 365 days that you’ve seen your parents and close relatives.
The dreaded Q&A begins. And naturally, you are on the answering/averting end. The hackneyed queries are much like the turkey on the table–stuffed with varying-degrees of resentment, obliviousness and judgment. However, your replies don’t have to be appeasing and civil. Garner the upper hand with these verbal volleys:
5. Q: When are you two getting married? A: Remind me–how long have you two been divorced?
We live in Texas–it may be a while.
When was the last time you got laid?
4. Q: Are you still single? A: Are you still in a joyless, cardboard marriage–raising children to be as miserable as you someday?
You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet.
3. Q: Wait, you’re still not done with school? A: Sorry, accredited schools take a little longer.
It’s called a double major.
2. Q: When are you gonna find a real job? A: I play an imaginary character–the job is real.
You mean a job that interests me, fulfills me creatively and makes me happy? I have that.
When you find some real breasts.
1. Q: You voted for whom? A: We share genes, not political views.
Wait, you said WHOM?
This was an election, not “Dancing With The Stars.”
BONUS Q: When are you two gonna make us grandparents? A: Sorry, we like our prophylactics.
Remember those questions about a “real job” and “finishing school”?
This article appears in Nov 25 – Dec 1, 2010.