Wenches Be Shopping!: The Best Things to Buy at RenFest

The Texas Renaissance Festival is one of the crown jewels of any fall in the Houston area. Running from early October to late November right after Thanksgiving, the Plantersville festival allows you to step back in time, or another dimension at least.

One of the biggest draws to the RenFest, besides the cleavage -- on both the men and the women -- and the food, the booze and the people-watching, is the shopping. There are few places outside of maybe a flea market in South Houston where you can buy a turkey leg and shop for broadswords and corsets.

Even if you don't get off on the Renaissance-era garb, the performers or even (yet again) the cleavage, you can at least spend massive amounts of money at the lines of shops and vendors all around the grounds.

I went to the RenFest this past weekend for the pirate-themed weekend with my girlfriend and a couple of friends. I wore a Pittsburgh Pirates shirt because my puffy shirt had a stain on it. The mosquitoes were not as bad as they were in Houston proper, which was a good thing, obviously. I can only imagine the embarrassing bites that your typical RenFest performer would have to endure over a season, but we suppose it's better than plague rats. The weather should be great this coming weekend to visit the festival situated amongst the trees up north, and it's Halloween Weekend (sponsored by the Houston Press), which is always a good time to drop in.

Along my travels I took a few pictures of some of the best things to buy at the festival, so be sure to take notes for your own shopping list.

I wanted a set of these elf urinals to give to my friends with toilet-training-age kids. I'm sure they would love their little ones pissing in jars around the house.

Tiny Hat Alert!

A bowl fit for "tobacco use only" at the end of this axe.

"Get thee to the kitchen, wench, and rustle up some Hamburger Helper!"

"That's a nice chastity belt you're wearing. My blacksmith friends and I can help you out of it..."

I would be lying if I said I didn't buy a squirrel hide last weekend. I don't know what to do with it. Hang it in my kitchen? Also, said squirrel fur is surprisingly soft to the touch, but I guess you wouldn't know by running them over in your neighborhood. Frown. This booth was also selling "critter faces," which were the face hides of foxes and bobcats and other animals. I now own two of them.

This flask could easily hold enough liquor to drunk-drive at least three or four cars.

They were out of tiger's blood, har-har. This came from a booth that had dozens of lotions and potions for most anything that ails you.

What if you get happiness mixed in with the assholes? Or the frog kisses in with the tattoo fund? Anarchy.

All my ex-girlfriends must read this book on the toilet.

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