Last week, we told you of some upcoming summer-movie soundtracks that look like they're going to be fantastic. If positivity is your thing, go read that article. This one is going to be all about the upcoming soundtracks that make us wince so hard it feels like someone's chopping our balls with an axe made of dry ice. Sex and the City 2: Sex Harder We're going to ease you in as slowly as we can on this one, but there's still no guarantee you won't coat your monitor and keyboard in shame vomit before we've finished. First, half of the soundtrack appears to be made up of female artists who excel in saccharine, sentimental empowerment ballads such as Jennifer Hudson, Dido, Alicia Keys, Erykah Badu and a couple of others. We accepted ahead of time that this soundtrack probably wasn't going to heavily feature Rancid, but we can't get some Metric? Some Gossip? Maybe even some Warpaint? No? Oh well. Even still, we might be more understanding if the soundtrack went on to get better from there instead of worse. There's no way to break this to you easily, so we'll be blunt: The thing opens with Alicia Keys doing a mash-up of the Sex and the City theme and Blondie's "Rapture." ncexetd wedfinlnf sorry. That's what happens when you try to type while you're shuddering. Next we've got something called the "Sex and the City Men's Choir" performing a few show tunes, so it's nice to know they've put something in there for all the gay friends who are going to be dragged to this shitfest. Then Cynthia Nixon (the one with the neck) performs an appropriately schmaltzy cover of Helen Reddy's inappropriately schmaltzy ultra-feminist anthem "I Am Woman," and it's not even the worst cover on this album. That award goes to Liza Minnelli's inexplicable cover of Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)." What the fuck, man? How do things like this happen? Did some studio executive get dared to savage BeBe's song in the worst way possible? Look, we understand that at the end of the day, this is really just the soundtrack to a high-budget shoes-and-handbags porno, and porn soundtracks are supposed to suck. But they're not supposed to suck so bad we want to go back in time, find the first person who ever made music, and kill him. Toy Story 3 This soundtrack is, like the others, fated to be 90 percent Randy Newman, so it's already got that going against it. So far the only three entries on the film's IMDB soundtrack page are Gary Wright's overused "Dream Weaver," Chic's even more overused "Le Freak" and a Spanish-language version of Newman's "You've Got a Friend In Me" performed by the Gipsy Kings. Christ. Can we not give our kids songs younger than we are? Shrek Forever After By now, the subversive, slightly anarchist wit that made the first Shrek film so enjoyable has all but completely drained out of the sequels, a transition reflected in its soundtracks. Sure, the first film's soundtrack featured Smash Mouth and the Baha Men, but dammit, it also featured Self, The Eels, and The Proclaimers, who deserved more hits than just "(I'm Gonna Be) 500 Miles." Shrek Forever After's soundtrack, on the other hand, features only excerpts from the film in between each song to break up the schlock. And schlocky it is, featuring The Carpenters, Scissor Sisters, Lionel Richie, and - holy God - Maxine Nightingale. The only respite from the dreck even your parents would be ashamed to admit they like comes in the form of the Beastie Boys' "Sure Shot," although frankly its inclusion just reminds us of last summer, when another track from the Beasties' Ill Communication ("Sabotage") was used to much better effect in a much better movie (Star Trek). They've managed to get Weezer on board to cover The Monkees' "I'm a Believer," but Weezer has sucked for years, so who cares? With the lame-ass Lite FM tunes coupled with unfunny audio clips from the sure-to-be mediocre film, we pity any child who receives this soundtrack as a gift from a well-meaning parent. Step Up 3D: Stepping Up On Your FUCKING FACE The latest in the ever-growing genre of films for closeted gangstas who wish to maintain a tough exterior but secretly yearn for the majestic freedom of dance, Step Up 3D threatens to put you on the dance team by virtue of its 3D camerawork, and we're tired just thinking about it. The official soundtrack has not been released yet, but judging from the previous installments in the series, it will no doubt feature dance remixes of already dance-y pop songs featuring the trademark OONTS-OONTS-OONTS electro-dance beat thumping along at roughly 500 beats per minute, causing the ears of anyone over 18 to bleed if they so much as sit in an adjacent theater. Much like a Bollywood film, Step Up 3D will feature dance sequences instead of action scenes and dance sequences in the rain instead of sex scenes. If mouthy adolescents angrily dancing at one another trips the nostalgia endorphins in your brain, by all means, go snap this soundtrack up the second it comes out and relive those moments again and again until the world learns to finally accept you for who you are, you thugged-out cutie-pie, you.
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