Dancing With the Stars: Week Two, Dazzle Attempts to Maim His Partner

It's the second week of Dancing With the Stars, and you know what that means: Two more couples will be forced to mate live on the air or else risk being banished to the Phantom Zone. At least, that's according to ABC's website. The only thing you need to know is that Tom "Dazzle Me Dreamy" DeLay survived last week's premiere, and is even creepier than you'd think a creepy dancing old man could be. Let's get to it!

Tom Bergeron and Lady Co-Host explained that this week's ep is the first one this season where the men and women will go head to head (duh), so it's a full two hours, but then you get the results the next day. Much, much better than the four hours wasted before getting to the cuts in the first week, which could be called "Dancing to Bataan" for all the endless sequences that go nowhere.

All the stars paraded in with their partners, which is when I realized I had no interest in trying to keep the pros' names straight. Just make up something Slavic and fill in the blanks on your own. Making things even ballroom dancier was the fact that judge Len was out last night, replaced for the episode by guest judge Baz Luhrmann, who still hasn't apologized for Australia.

First up was swimsuit model Joanna dancing the jive to a godawful cover of "What I Like About You." That's another weird thing about the show: Instead of typical ballroom music, all the performances are accompanied by bad renditions of pop songs, which kind of breaks the illusion that the couples are doing something interesting and exotic and turns the whole thing into a high school stage show. An uncomfortable one. Plus, Joanna looks like two steps above an actual stripper, so it's hard to think of her as an aspiring artist when you can't help but feel she's gonna tell her partner to watch his hands unless he wants to take this to the VIP room.

I just realized I don't have the space to talk about every dancer, at least not until the roster slims. So, here are some highlights:

Chuck Liddell did a tango wearing a suit jacket and no shirt. Music? "Seven Nation Army." This show is destroying music for me. Debi Mazar danced to "El Tango de Roxanne," from Moulin Rouge, thereby shitting all over what had been a movie I'd really enjoyed. Aaron Carter looked like a maitre d' for a leprechaun club. Kelly Osbourne is still the least fake and most likeable contestant, so I wished she'd scored higher than 19 out of 30.

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Blah blah people danced and then it was time for Dazzle Me Dreamy to tackle the tango. He hurt his toe and had to go to the doctor, which is a whiny dodge to get out of dancing, but he stuck with it. His tango wasn't nearly as soul-scarring as "Wild Thing" -- what could be? -- but he almost dropped his beleaguered partner at the end. (Though why the hell she thought an old fraud with a busted toe could pull of a dip is beyond me.) And he still got an 18! The producers won't let him get cut for a while, and if they're smart, they'll rig it as long as they can.

Oh yeah, Donny Osmond continued to do freakishly well, and I think he's in the lead for the dudes. Good for him.

Dazzle's attempts to maim his partner notwithstanding, it was a pretty boring episode. Where's the fire, the excitement, the blood? I was promised death and danger! At least the results are due soon. Dazzle, don't let me down.

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