Get ready, all you KLOL listeners of yore: David Lee Roth and two generations of Van Halens will be in Houston soon. Monday, Van Halen will hold a press conference to announce tour dates. We can all make a safe bet that Diamond Dave will make at least two tired cracks about Viagra, cocaine and snorting Viagra while taking cocaine during the announcement.
You may not care, but earlier this year, the tour was scuttled when Eddie Van Halen went to rehab to get off the sauce. Quieter industry rumors pointed to meth addiction, but you can’t always believe what a 15-year-old girl posts on LiveJournal, now, can you? But whenever a legendary guitarist sees fit to record a guitar track for a porn film, you can almost smell the bathtub crank a mile away. This would be like Tom Morello laying down tracks for a Bang Bros. clip. (If you don’t know, don’t worry. You obviously aren’t a male between ages 14 and 76.)
I’m still clueless how this will pan out. The Hagar/Roth tandem show at Verizon a few years back wasn’t exactly 1984 or, well, name me one good Van Hagar album. But what do I care? I’ll still be there, and you will too. – Craig Hlavaty
And now, for my favorite Van Halen video. For such a long video, the villains sure are short.
This article appears in Aug 9-15, 2007.
