Today is Kanye Omari West's 35th birthday, and that's a bit of a problem. We're happy to celebrate, of course, but Rocks Off is big on giving gifts, and Yeezy's already got it all: Hit records, a world tour, a celebrity paramour and sunglasses with no glass in them. What do you get the man who has everything?
Creative types that we are, we've got a few ideas. Ten of them, actually. Some of these gifts are outrageously expensive and some are simply thoughtful. Please pick one according to your budget and level of fame. Choose wisely, and perhaps you'll please Mr. West enough to be immortalized forever in one of his classic raps.
If your gift flops, though, you ain't heard about it from us.
10. Nike Air Yeezy 2s: When it comes to fashion, Kanye is probably pretty hard to buy for. Let's face it, he's got an eclectic personal style that you can't really be outfitted at Old Navy. That's why when it comes to clothes, you should play it safe and get him something dreamed up by his favorite designer--himself.
Designed by Kanye, the Nike Air Yeezy 2s are quickly becoming one of the most anticipated sneaker releases of the year. A small number of this limited edition shoe has already been preordered by a lucky few. How lucky? Well, a pair on eBay got bid up past $90,000 this week. Holy shit. Presumably, some Saudi prince is about to look fresh as fuck as he wipes his ass with gold bullion or whatever it is those guys do with their time.
Yes, Kanye's already got at least one pair of Yeezy 2s. Probably a few. So? Maybe he doesn't like the ones he's wearing today. And what could possibly make a more thoughtful gift than an absurdly expensive luxury item invented by Kanye West himself?
9. Louis Vuitton Skateboard: Does Kanye West skate? Can't say we've ever seen it happen, but it seems like he should. If we had to guess, he doesn't skate because there's no skateboard out there that's fly enough to be allowed near his feet. At least, there wasn't until recently.
Louis Vuitton created this deck and case combo as part of a tribute to the late fashion designer/graffiti artists Stephen Sprouse. They only made two of them, and they're $8,250 apiece. That's a hell of a lot of money for a child's toy, but look at that thing. It's a Louis Vuitton skateboard. Who the hell else besides Kanye West can practice kickflips on this board without looking like a complete idiot? Nobody except Spuds McKenzie, maybe, and it ain't Spuds' birthday.
8. Merriam-Webster's Pocket Rhyming Dictionary: Rapping is hard. We've tried it before, and nobody thought our rhymes were good enough to design our own sneakers. It's got to be even tougher for Kanye. He's a lot busier than we are, what with having to keep up with the Kardashians and all, so he probably doesn't have a lot of time to come up with new rhymes for "Armenian."
That's what makes this handy pocket dictionary the perfect birthday gift. He can stash it in his pants (or Kim's monstrous butt crack) and whip it out anytime the urge to create strikes him.
7. Spyder III Laser: Kanye has had a bit of trouble with lasers recently. When the Watch the Throne Tour rolled through Paris, 'Ye stopped the show to profanely admonish a fan who was flashing a green laser pointer at him. Apparently in France, it's still 2001 and people carry laser pointers in public with which to annoy others. As we're sure Kanye knows, a simple rant isn't enough to stamp out this nuisance. It's time to fight fire with fire.
That's why Wicked Lasers' Spider III laser would make an ideal gift for the world's greatest living rapper. This bad boy is the most powerful handheld laser on earth, bright enough to set human flesh on fire. After Kanye lights a few unruly fans up like the Human Torch using the Spyder III, the rest of the crowd ought to get the message about flashing blinding lights at performers onstage.
6. Mederma Advanced Scar Gel: Everyone knows that Kanye West is an incredible rapper, singer and songwriter. But just think how much better he could be if he had a little more self-confidence! We've always believed that Mr. West's chronic shyness and shunning of the spotlight are due to his embarrassment over his facial scars, the results of a near-fatal car accident. Luckily for Kanye, there's a solution.
Mederma Advanced Scar Gel can reduce the appearance of both old and new scars, giving Kanye his face back one daub at a time. In no time at all, he'll be ready to face the mirror again, happy and confident that he looks as good as he sings. What more thoughtful gift could there be?
5. Housewarming Gift Basket: The gossip blogs are all a-titter this week over rumors that Kanye and his girlfriend of three months, Kim Kardashian, are moving in together. This presents well-wishers with the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. We think it's a sweet idea to celebrate Kanye's birthday by giving him a gift that will remind him of his newfound domestic bliss: a good, old-fashioned housewarming gift basket!
A little coffee, some chocolate, fruit, cookies and a few other trifles is all you need to make Kanye and Kim feel welcome and loved in their new abode. You could probably get away with hiding your demo record in there, too, as long as you're discrete about it. Bonus points if one of the tracks samples "Happy Birthday to You."
4. Clozapine: As Taylor Swift would be happy to tell you, Kanye West is as well-known for his erratic behavior and outbursts as he is for his creative genius. The rapper's grandiosity and unpredictability have led some to speculate that he suffers from a chemical imbalance in his brain, which could admittedly account for the whole Kim Kardashian thing.
As far as we know, the only way to cure mental health issues is to start throwing drugs at 'em. That's why we recommend that fans and friends alike shower Kanye with birthday gifts of clozapine, one of the more powerful antipsychotic medications with the fewest side-effects currently on the market.
Ordinarily, you'd need a prescription to acquire these tablets, but Kanye and all of his friends are rich, so there are no rules to break there. This gift could potentially save the life of a deeply unhappy man. Isn't that what we hope for all of our birthday gifts?
3. Gwyneth Paltrow's Notes From My Kitchen Table: If Kanye wants to keep palling around with his buddies Jay-Z and Beyonce, he's going to have to start making a few more concessions to the A-listers that have already embraced hip-hop's First Family as their own. A good start would be adding honorary ni**a in Paris Gwyneth Paltrow's cookbook, Notes From My Kitchen Table, to his cooking library.
This gift would serve two purposes at once. First, it would help convince guests that Kanye has read a book before. Second, it would help to educate our favorite musical titan on the kinds of foods he'll have to eat if he wants to be allowed near Beyonce's hyper-skinny bestie. How bad could Vegenaise actually be, anyway?
2. One Round-Trip Ticket on SpaceX: Kanye West has already explored outer space in song on "E.T.," his No. 1 single with Katy Perry. Now it's time to do it for real. SpaceX recently became the first private company to launch a spacecraft that docked at the International Space Station, and for the right price, there's no doubt they'd be happy to blast Kanye off the face of the planet toward the stars.
Just think of the crazy, inventive raps Kanye could come up with while experiencing weightlessness! This could be, like, a concept album in the making.
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1. Full-scale Replica of the Iron Throne: With the help of Jay-Z, Kanye has already commanded us to watch the throne. What better way to commemorate the incredible success of their collaboration than with a massive fiberglass replica of the Iron Throne from HBO's Game of Thrones? We can't think of any.
As any Lannister could tell you, the Iron Throne doesn't come cheap. It's currently on sale on the HBO Shop Web site for $30,000. That may seem a little steep for a chair that's almost certainly uncomfortable as all hell, but if somebody doesn't deliver this cruel mistress to Kanye's house for his birthday, he might just be forced to march on King's Landing and pay the Iron Price for it, instead.