According to a recent report, Justin Bieber’s mom — who we’ll just call Mama Bieber — is planning to launch her music career.
Yes, that means exactly what you think it does. Two Biebers will be working the fame-whore stroll — probably together, since rumor has it that they’re recording a duet. We know what you’re thinking: The world doesn’t need a Bieber duet, and we’d have to agree with you. The last thing we want to see is more Bieber headlines, about mother or son. They’ve done enough already.
And the idea of a Bieber duet may be a travesty, but so are a lot of things happening in music at the moment. Miley’s tongue shoved down Katy Perry’s throat is a prime example. So much wrong; so little right.
So you may be having girl problems, and we do indeed feel bad for you, son. But the real issue here is that music’s got 99 problems, and a bitch still ain’t one.
99. Chief Keef
98. Future’s Honesty
97. ’90s nostalgia
96. Mama Bieber
95. Justin Bieber’s tattoos
94. Lists
93. Overpriced summer festivals
92. 2 Chainz
91. Egos
90. FM
89. Timber
88. RiFF RaFF’s braids
87. Tribute albums
86. Tour riders
85. Groupies
84. Lana Del Rey
83. Man-leggings
82. Skrillex hair
81. Digital technology
80. Celebrity cruises
79. The Voice
78. Irony
77. Farrah Abraham, aka Teen Mom
76. “Fan experiences”
List continues on the next page.
75. Ke$ha’s pee [Sorry, Kesha’s pee — ed.]
74. Lady Gaga’s wig
73. Producers
72. Glee
72. Cell phones
71. American Idol
70. Concert etiquette
69. The Great Gatsby soundtrack
68. Fall Out Boy
67. Bob Dylan commercials
66. Disney
65. Artist endorsements
64. Corporate radio
63. Cassette revival
62. Artist collaborations
61. Felony egging
60. Deathgrips concert-trolling
59. #Hashtags
58. Corporate scalping
57. “The Accidental Racist”
56. Ticket fees
55. Pop-punk
54. Tweens
53. MTV
52. Shoutouts
51. Chris Brown graffiti
List continues on the next page.
50. Purple drank
49. DJ Paris Hilton
48. “Live” albums
47. Flo Rida tantrums
46. Censorship
45. “Bound 2”
44. Bauuer
43. Flash mobs
42. Harlem Shakes
41. Nu-metal
40. Elitism
39. Backing tracks
38. Stage-diving Miguel
37. Concert sponsors
36. Justin Bieber’s blurred penis
35. Sexism
34. Angry Chris Brown
33. Dubstep
32. Twitter rants
31. “Wrecking Ball”
30. Nashville New Wave
29. “Achy Breaky Heart 2”
28. Hip-hopera
27. Hipsters
26. Twerking
List continues on the next page.
25. Stone Temple Pilots with Chester Bennington
24. Queen with Adam Lambert
23. Fake accents
22. Lilly Allen’s opinion
21. Unnecessary! Band Name! Punctuation!
20. Subgenres
19. Hipster beards
18. Lady Gaga collaborations
17. Crowdfunding
16. Bangerz
15. Miley’s tongue
14. #Selfies
13. Molly
12. Boy-band nostalgia
11. Ryan Seacrest
10. Will.i.am
9. R. Kelly’s Black Panties
8. R. Kelly’s White Panties
7. Mass media
6. Bro-country
5. Cultural appropriation
4. R. Kelly
3. The Internet
2. Rape anthems
1. Auto-tune
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This article appears in Mar 6-12, 2014.