The hip-hop world is a less than sensible place -lots of times, you’re even required to clarify when bad means bad and when bad means good- so once a week we’re going to get with a rapper and ask them to explain things. Have something you always wanted to ask a rapper? Email sheaserrano@gmail.com.
This Week’s Rapper: K.A.R.O.
This Week’s Subject(s): Non-rappers as rappers
(produced by gene_one21ten)
Ask A Rapper: So this one sort of writes itself. One of the guys from the Harry Potter movies is considering a transition into a rapping career. This, should it come to fruition, will almost certainly be unpleasant. [Ed. Note: Tom Felton, who plays Harry’s platinum-blonde nemesis Draco Malfoy, has since said he was joking and his comments were taken out of context.]
The question, then: Who were the six worst non-rapping dudes/femmes that tried to make a go of it as a rapper? Let’s avoid any athletes, because that’d be way too easy. Six. And you’re off..
1. Nick Cannon
K.A.R.O.: It’s just the fact that he was a Nickelodeon comedian. I could not take him seriously at all. Great businessman/entertainer, but not a rapper.
*We were actually going to make a little note here abou how Cannon’s flute-fluttery “Gigolo,” that song he did with R. Kelly in the early aughts, was kind of fun and maybe even a little charming, but we had it playing in the background while we were typing this and just threw up all over the place.
2. Tyrese
K.A.R.O.: He played in two hard movies; Baby Boy and Waist Deep. I guess that made him wanna rap. He’s a great singer… that sings love songs. Rapping about the streets wasn’t gone [sic] fly.
3. Terrence Howard
K.A.R.O.: He’s a great actor, that’s why he was so convincing in Hustle and Flow. So with that said, he did right by sticking with acting. It’s hard out here for a pimp.
4. Brandy
K.A.R.O.: No! [laughs]
5. John Cena, wrestler
K.A.R.O.: He reminds me of Mark “Marky Mark” Wahlberg [laughs]. That’s another bad idea.
*This is our favorite pick of the bunch. All wrestlers should attempt to rap at least once. Even Hulk Hogan’s attempt was okay; Macho Man’s too. You’re going to sit there and honestly say that you wouldn’t download an Undertaker mixtape? No effin’ chance his lead single, a hip-hop Metallica cover of “For Whom The Bell Tolls,” doesn’t rack up 40 million hits on Youtube 36 hours after it’s released. Undertaker, bro: Best rapper alive.
6. Antonia (Toya) Carter*
K.A.R.O.: If you heard her on her show, you would say no to her rap career too. They all should just let the rappers rap. that’s it.
*Toya Carter is most famous for having sex with Lil’ Wayne, and even managed to strangle a television show out of it. If someone has sex with you, and then they give that person a television show, you’re doing something right.
Note: Some others who tried and perhaps shouldn’t have: Spencer Pratt (for real, bro); “Rappin'” Rodney Dangerfield; Ron Jeremy; Tila Tequila (who did she have sex with to get famous? Oh that’s right: Everyone); Perez Hilton.
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This article appears in Jun 30 – Jul 6, 2011.