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Ten Cruises We'd Rather Take Than the KISS Kruise

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Imagine a vacation where made-up members of your favorite glam rock band wander the decks of a cruise ship. Does that sound like heaven on earth? Well, glam boy, you're in luck as the second annual (yes, they've done one before this) KISS Kruise sets sail this October featuring that cuddly '70s powerhouse that just keeps on ticking.

We started thinking about what a cruise like that would entail. Sure, a young KISS in their prime probably would have rocked the house and brought with them a bevy of hot young ladies ready to rock and roll all night and party ev-a-ree day. But, now? At $750 per night, we're guessing most of the guests will be more interested in shuffleboard than "Cold Gin."

So, we put together a list of some cruises we think would be more fun or at least more interesting and imagined the promo teaser that might lead off the press release.


Have you ever wondered what Jeff Tweedy in Bermuda shorts sunning himself near the swimming pool would look like? This is your chance to get up close and personal with the Wilco front man as he uncomfortably answers every ridiculously nuanced and detail-specific question you have about the band. Careful, the pastiness of those legs is blinding! Sunglasses recommended.

Kanye West & Jay Z

You saw them on the Watch the Throne tour. Now set sail with them on an intimate cruise in the Florida Keys where you will be forced to endure countless rants from West while Jay Z sips his own brand of vodka mixed with Jigga-brand orange juice while wearing his signature line of swimwear. Special appearance by baby Blue Ivy, whose exclusive line of diapers are on sale in the gift shop.

R. Kelly and Rihanna

Come on, rude boy (and girl)! This adults-only cruise is as hot as you might imagine. Sleep all day and orgy all night to the sultry sounds of R. Kelly and Rihanna. Baby oil and penicillin available upon request.

Lady Gaga and Katy Perry

It's the ultimate battle of Katy Kats versus Little Monsters on this Survivor-style cruising experience. The fight to see which popstress has the most loyal and intense fans includes contests like meat dress construction, pin the tail on the pin-up and "TMZ Scandal," where teams from each camp try to diffuse the latest salacious rumors about our divas. Special guest, Perez Hilton, y'all!

Slayer and Cannibal Corpse

On this frigid winter cruise through the fjords of Scandinavia, cruisers can huddle for warmth around barrel bonfires set on the deck like some future apocalyptic wasteland while moshing themselves into oblivion. Special gift bags with t-shirts, CDs and other merch available to all survivors.

David Allan Coe

On this very special cruise, a thoroughly inebriated Coe will stroll around the ship with a guitar singing off-color songs and eating food off of your table. Guests may heckle the country legend at their own risk.

Nickelback, Bryan Adams and Rush

How's it crusin', eh? Join three legendary Canadian rockers as they sail through the northern Atlantic towards the Great White North. In addition to the music, there will be hockey and curling on the frozen swimming pool and the comedic stylings of noted Canadian actor, Eugene Levy.

Hank Williams Jr. and Ted Nugent

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME CRUISING!? Sponsored by Fox News and Jack Daniels, this vacation package features classes on drunken ranting, a special welcome message from Rush Limbaugh and excursions like live shark hunting with bow and arrow -- loin cloth provided.


If you like glitter and alcohol poisoning, this is the sailing vacation for you. This barely-legal cruise (ID required, but not checked strenuously, if you know what I mean) will have the decks bumping with the sounds of the glitter princess waft through halls likely strewn with drunken and X-addled teens. You'll think the place about to blow when Ke$ha fires off her glitter canon every morning at your breakfast of whiskey and adderall.

Hipster Cruise 2012

None of the bands on this cruise will exist prior to setting sail. It's so unknown, even they don't know what they will play. An assemblage of below average musicians playing wildly obscure instruments -- zither, anyone? -- will gather each night in our main ballroom to play experimental music and not speak to the audience. Passengers will receive passes to the South by Southwest reunion showcase in Austin the following March featuring the most talked about bands in the blogosphere, all of which formed during the trip and broke up upon our return.

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