Look, Houston. We like you. We really do. You're kind of the ham to our delicious sammich, for the most part. But lately as we've ventured out to take care of music bidness (you know how we do), we've noticed a trend. We've got some naughty concert-goers out there, and we would like to shame you into submission, if you'll let us.
It's for your own good, really. We wouldn't do it if there wasn't good reason, and besides...you don't want to be that person at a concert, now do you?
Here's our list of the worst ten people at Houston concerts. We won't post your face or anything, but let's make sure we clean up our acts, a'ight? You don't want to see our stern faces, trust us.
Toddlers If you bring a pre-schooler to a concert, you have ruined our concert-going experience and devalued your own ticket. You're going to have to run the kid back and forth to the restroom because kids have tiny bladders. They're going to squirm like micro-bacteria all over the $75 seat you wasted on them. You'll have to answer their nagging questions all night, which wouldn't be so bad if they were asking what critics thought of the band's latest effort. But no. They'll just ask why the sky is blue or "when is it gonna be over?"
My wife bought us seats in the first ten rows of a Beastie Boys/Run-DMC double bill. The only place worse for a toddler is a firefight on a battlefield. The kid bawled like a cat in heat all night. My wife was furious, but once the Beasties got going, I no longer was feeling the little man's pain. He was someone else's problem and it was time to get ill. JESSE SENDEJAS JR.
Overindulgers I enjoy an adult refreshment as much as the next fellow, but Too Drunk Guy is a serious mood-killer at a show, or anywhere else, come to think of it.
The problem is drunkenness affects every person differently. If he could just sit there, smashed, grooving to the music like Too High Guy, I wouldn't mind Too Drunk Guy. But, no. This fellow becomes a babbling jackass, a sloppy mess or, worst of all, ready to fight and take out all the frustrations he is drowning with drinks on everyone in Section B, Row 31. JESSE SENDEJAS JR.
Too Cool for School Since my kids are in bands, I go to a lot of shows featuring local musicians. The worst people at those shows are the people who come to see a single band and leave after that band plays.
If you made the effort to come all the way to the show, why not see the whole show? Do you also arrive to a movie late, watch only the second half-hour then leave the theater to stand in the lobby talking with people while the movie ends?
I know, you probably know the lead singer for that one hipster band on the bill and you came to drool over him, but since you are already here and there are two other bands playing tonight, why not stick around and listen to music? Maybe you'll hear something that reminds you why you like music in the first place. JESSE SENDEJAS JR.
Naughty concertgoers continues on the next page.
Lightweights Look, I'm all for imbibing on whatever floats your intoxicated boat, but please make sure you can handle said substance before you down a whole shitton of it. See, when a person can't handle their substance intake, they become a sloppy, incoherent toddler and somehow I become a beacon of safety for those people. They cling to me like velcro, despite not knowing who the hell I am.
Apparently I look harmless enough. Well, even if that's true, I'm not there to babysit your toddler ass, so please only partake of that which you are either familiar with, or somewhat immune to so that I do not have to track down your friends to help you get home. Good Samaritan I am not. ANGELICA LEICHT
Creepers Concerts are not the place most people are going to hang out at when they're looking for a random hookup, so please don't try to spit your weak ass game over the blaring music that's coming from the stage. It's obnoxious, and in order for anyone to even hear those lines you're dropping, you've essentially got to crawl into their ear canal, which is obviously not observing social norms.
Your onion and beer breath is not the way to a woman's heart, and yet that's all I can take from this "conversation" because I can't hear you. So yeah. Relax, creeper dudes (or chicks, same goes for both), cause I'm sure there's some dark club down the block where you can grind on some chick's thigh, but House of Blues is not the place for that. ANGELICA LEICHT
The Tall Guy Okay, this one isn't the perpetrator's fault, but I'm going to complain about it anyway. I'm 5'10", which is a decent height for most men. I'll never be a basketball star, but I'm comfortable with that. But every single show I go to there's always at least one person straddling the line between 6'5" and 6'6" and they always have to stand in front of me.
There are times I'll be in a good position and one will just walk up and perch, so my view the whole show is the back of this guy's head. If you're tall, that's fine; it's not your fault. But stay out of the way! Be vigilant and keep an eye out for all the little people you're narrowly missing stepping on, and let us enjoy the show too. COREY DEITERMAN
The "Birthday" Patron Going to a concert can be a great way to spend your birthday, especially if it's your favorite musician or a rare tour. Unfortunately, birthday patrons tend to crank up their usual alcohol consumption as much as they can, leaving behind a path of disaster.
But I'm not talking about your run-of-the-mill annoyances. Instead, these patrons are so drunk, they're usually dancing into people with a "fuck it" attitude that's so careless, their sweat gets all over everyone. Not to mention, they're usually pushy, loud and obnoxious, which results in them using their birthday as an excuse to shout the same song request over and over again. But the damage isn't truly done until they've managed to approach everyone within arms reach for birthday sex. Uh, no thanks. ALYSSA DUPREE
Naughty concertgoers continues on the next page.
The "Bored" Patron I feel most alive when I'm watching a concert. That is, unless I'm the only person in the crowd who's really into the music. I'm not asking for much, I just don't want to be the only person in the room who's singing and dancing along. And if it's that painful to watch as a fan, I can't imagine what it must be like for the band. Maybe it's just me, but I'll never understand why people pay so much money to stand around with a bored look on their face when there's a musician on strange whose only mission is to entertain. ALYSSA DUPREE
The Phone Flasher I know that there's no putting the genie that is the smartphone back in the bottle, and for the most part I'm OK with that. And hey, if you want to snap a photo of the show to upload to the social media platform of your choice, well, I can understand that.
What I don't understand are the people that, when taking that photo, 500 feet away from the action (and, more importantly, right behind me) feel the need to take that photo with the flash of their camera on. Sorry to break it to you, but that little bit of light that you can barely use to find the remote control under your couch isn't going to magically make your too-zoomed in photo look awesome. Like anything else when it comes to shows, do you, but don't be a distraction. If you want a good photo, fight your way to the front. Just kidding, that person is awful too. CORY GARCIA
Space Invader I'm not saying you shouldn't dance at shows - it's one of those primal things we do as humans that's awesome and exciting - but if you're going to dance, consider the folks around you. If we're already packed in balls to butt the last thing I need is for you to be elbowing me every other beat for the next hour and a half.
I know certain sacrifices must be made the closer to the stage you decide to stand, but just because we're close doesn't mean I want you all up in my space either. Keep your sweat and uncoordinated limbs to yourself. CORY GARCIA
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