The Greatest Worst Song about Houston. Ever.

In a Racket column some time back, I spotlighted a few of my favorite songs about Houston. I didn’t get around to telling you about some on the other end of the spectrum, like ‘80s soft rocker-turned-Christian music mogul

Chris Christian

’s “Houston,” the very worst tune about Houston ever written.

There’s so much to mock about this odious pap I don’t know where to begin….There’s the sub-Air Supply strings and overall arrangement, Christian’s crooned vocals, and best of all, the cheesy fake seagulls chirping away in the background. All that plus the “I’ve never been to Houston, but I’ll write a song about it from this tourist brochure” lyrics like:

“It was humid in the harbor, the ships were coming in”

“O Houston! / I can still see those golden derrick lights / lookin’ like a string of pearls sparklin’ in the night”

“I looked at all the places that we both used to go / from Gilley’s to the Dome to the Gulf of Mexico”

Man, on second thought, this thing is so desperately awful, such an abominable desecration, such a puerile fleck of dross, a sort of surreal grandeur attaches to it. You really need to own it. Listen to it here:

P.S.: David Beebe, if you are reading this, keep your baby brother and your friends in the Light Rock Express well away from this recording. I’ll never set foot in the Big Top again if I ever hear them cover this. – John Nova Lomax

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