In the history of whores, there has never been a whore like Gene Simmons. And that’s a long list. I mean, it is the oldest profession.
It has been announced that, during his upcoming solo tour, Simmons will allow superfans to serve as his personal assistant / roadie for one day, charging them $12,500 for the privilege. But just to show that Simmons is somewhat selective about his whoring, only one opportunity per show will be available. Those willing to pony up will have the opportunity to spend the day of the show with Simmons, be introduced onstage, receive autographs and set lists, take selfies and have a meal with the man who signs the “s” in his last name with a dollar sign. Copy on Simmons’ website (genesimmonsaxe.com) seeks to assuage any nervousness and informs potential purchasers that “Gene Simmons is very down-to-earth, funny and knowledgeable on almost any subject.”
Significantly, “payment plans” are available for those who don’t have a spare $12K to fork over. It can only be assumed that, if a payment is late, Paulie Walnuts and some goons in Kiss makeup will beat the crap out of you and tack on some extra vig for their trouble. For those who might be interested, Simmons’ Houston gig is on Saturday, May 24, at the House of Blues. Fine print: All sales are final, and groupies are not included.
Ticket Alert
Damn, Ann Wilson! After postponing last year’s Heart tour in order to undergo chemotherapy, Wilson has played several recent gigs with an arm in a sling while riding around in a wheelchair. On her podcast, Wilson assured fans that she is cancer-free and that the sling situation is the result of her being a “klutz” and breaking her elbow in multiple places. As for the wheelchair, Wilson explained that it is more of a precautionary measure, since the sling throws off her balance. “I chose to sit because then I can just concentrate on singing and not on keeping my balance and having somebody out there catching me when I reel to the side.” Fair enough. The indomitable Ms. Wilson and the rest of Heart will play on Tuesday, June 17, at the Smart Financial Centre, with tickets on sale now.
Also coming to the Smart Centre are Counting Crows, performing on Thursday, July 31, with Gaslight Anthem opening. The Crows are scheduled to release a new album, Butter Miracle, The Complete Sweets!, in May. Who knew that these guys were so into dairy products? Presales are in progress, and VIP packages are also available. The general ticket sale begins on Friday.
The members of Volbeat claim to have psychobilly, country and pop influences running through their music, but a cursory glance at the band’s website indicates perhaps a greater interest in Satanism. Well, maybe Satanism-Lite. Consider that the cover of the band’s forthcoming album features a photo of a horned beast entering the bedroom of what appears to be an English country house and that said record contains a song called “In the Barn of the Goat Giving Birth to Satan’s Spawn in a Dying World of Doom.” Presales are in progress now for the Volbeat show at the 713 Music Hall on Tuesday, July 29, with the general sale set for Friday. Assuming, that is, that the prophecies listed in the Book of Revelation haven’t fully kicked in by that point. You know, rain of fire, the four horsemen of the apocalypse, that sort of thing.
Bruce Dickinson is the type of guy who always seems to have a project or two in the works. In addition to serving as lead singer for Iron Maiden, Dickinson is a licensed jet pilot, a championship fencer, a brewer, a documentary filmmaker and a novelist. Oh, and he also has a solo musical career, releasing The Mandrake Project last year. Dickinson will perform at the House of Blues on Thursday, August 28, and tickets are on sale now.
English rockers Bring Me the Horizon will be at Toyota Center on Friday, September 26. Tickets are on sale, along with VIP packages that give purchasers access to a VIP merch booth with “bespoke items.” Bespoke? How British can you get?
Concerts This Week
When it comes to hardcore country, Dale Watson is the real deal. He grew up in Pasadena, started playing in honky tonks when he was a teenager, performed at the Grand Ole Opry and recorded an album of nothing but truck-driver songs. Catch his act on Saturday at the Dosey Doe.
In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Deftones lead singer Chino Moreno called the band’s most recent album, 2020’s Ohms, “dystopian.” Maybe that’s why the material seems to resonate with the band’s fans, who seem to identify with the themes of dissatisfaction, fear and despair that populate the band’s songs. This musical catharsis is available on Sunday at Toyota Center, with Mars Volta and Fleshwater opening.
Houston musician Snit Fitzpatrick (The Hollisters, Snit’s Dog and Pony Show) has experienced some health challenges over the past couple of months, and the Big Easy is throwing a benefit to assist with his medical expenses. Carolyn Wonderland, Shelley King, Nick Gaitan, the Mighty Orq, Tony Vega, Luba Dvorak, Jay Hooks and Little Screamin’ Kenny are all slated to appear at the “Snitpatrick’s Day” shindig, and organizers promise food, raffles, a silent auction and more. It all gets started on Sunday at 2 p.m.
For their appearance on Tuesday at the White Oak Music Hall, the Violent Femmes will fire up the Wayback Machine for a complete performance of the band’s self-titled 1983 debut, plus a complete performance of their second album, 1984’s Hallowed Ground, along with some other fan favorites. For more on what the Violent Femmes are up to these days, check out Bob Ruggiero’s Houston Press interview with vocalist / guitarist Gordon Gano.
And for those who like their music with a side order of corn dogs and funnel cakes, here is the schedule for performances this week at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo at NRG Stadium:
Lauren Daigle – Wednesday, March 12
John Pardi – Thursday, March 13
Journey – Friday, March 14
Warren Zeiders – Saturday, March 15
Grupo Frontera – Sunday, March 16
Charley Crockett – Monday, March 17
Post Malone – Tuesday, March 18
