Top 6 Ways To Piss Off A Musician At A Gig

Rocks Off first stumbled onto Scott H. Biram about 10 years ago at the Parlor, Austin's recently closed, extremely cramped "punk rock pizza" joint on North Loop, where patrons scarfed their pies while murals of Iggy Pop, The Clash and the Ramones looked on from the red walls. The "Dirty Old One Man Band," as he prefers to be called, was pounding out some feral country-blues using only an acoustic guitar, stompbox and a microphone that made his voice sound like it was being piped in from the bathroom. Either that or 1932.

It was pretty riveting stuff. Still is. In the ensuing decade, Biram has survived a near-fatal van accident, released several albums on Bloodshot Records (his next, Bad Ingredients, is due in October), become a flagship artist for his pal Shooter Jennings' nascent "Triple X" movement and kept up a touring regimen that would make a Spartan look lazy.

It's hard to believe anyone could carry on while the San Marcos native is carrying on, but evidently that's what happened at the Memphis date on Biram's current tour (where he sold out Chicago, Detroit and Lansing, Mich.). Wednesday, he posted the following status update on his Facebook page: "If you don't like getting told to shut up at my shows... Don't stand in front of the stage during quiet songs and talk about how often you wash your hair. Simple as that."

Biram's complaint sparked dozens of enthusiastically supportive comments and nearly 300 "likes."; shades of the Alamo Drafthouse's already-legendary "texting voicemail." Houston live-music fans are no strangers to boorish audience behavior, so it's kind of comforting to know that it happens in other places too. It's still incredibly rude, though, so Rocks Off asked Biram if he'd mind sharing a few more of his pet peeves about "fan" behavior. We highly recommend you do not try any of them at the Continental Club tomorrow night.

"I only get 5? Ha ha!" replied Biram, who recently signed a new publishing deal with Bug Music. "I'm gonna sound like an asshole, but here goes..."

In no particular order:

1. "Stand right up front (specifically during slower, quiet songs) and have long, in-depth conversations about bullshit like how often they wash their hair. If I can hear the subject of your conversation from the stage, you're an asshole."

2. "Throw beer or anything at me or my equipment."

3. "Clap along with no rhythm... especially in slow songs that don't need any percussion."

4. "Steal merch and spill shit on the merch table."

5. "Bitch and moan that I never come to your town and then don't show up when I do, or write me obnoxious comments on Facebook such as "Why the fuck don't you ever play in ____?" when in fact I played there last week."

6. "People who come up to me and tell me how much they love my music, but then start telling me how much they hate Texas. I hate that shit."

10 p.m. Thursday at the Continental Club, 3700 Main. Tickets available at Sig's Lagoon.

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