Rocks Off was going to write a review of the new Tubby Chubcakes album, Tubby vs. The Musical Brain-Eating Disease, but honestly it's kind of like trying to explain Scientology to a blind water snake.
Remember Tubby's video "Destroy Nickelback with Lasers!?" It's a lot more of that. A lot. Basically, if you took an especially verbose surrealist slam poet and gave him a sick combination of metal, punk, Butthole Surfers, a mask, and a fixation with setting pop stars on fire (and otherwise causing them bodily harm and/or humiliation) to prevent the short-circuiting of reality, this is exactly what you'd get.
Except you'd be too late, as far as that whole short-circuiting reality thing goes. This dude's words are fried. Since Rocks Off does not have the proper professional credentials to adequately analyze Tubby's lyrics - and frankly, we doubt there's anyone who does - we're just going to quote them and let you draw your own bunny.
"Miley Cyrus had a farm. AIDS! AIDS! AIDS!"
"I am the great beef hunter!"
"Open up a can. Pour it in the pan. I will make Justin Bieber. I will make some chicken soup, yum."
"I will gargle with some bleach"
"Hey Hoss Factor, I got you a present. It's a symbol of our friendship. It's a robotic Cindy Crawford. We can use it to prank call the White House."
"Moon my cow. Moon a defenseless child. Moon an old lady. Moon yourself."
"Shave Lady Gaga's head. Nothing could be more true and just than to shave Lady Gaga's. I know what you're thinking. Lady Gaga will just put on a wig. I will glue a large object to her head, like a microwave."
"This bug is in my pantalones. You will die. You will die."
"I would give anything to be your dum dum cakes."
"I was born naked. Take off your pants. We were born this way. The planet is doomed."
"First, you must lock Katy Perry in a port-a-potty for all eternity."
"Justin Bieber will destroy us all with his liquid metal poop."
"Our voices will sound like electric dying bunnies."
"I recorded my poop and used Autotune. Now it sounds like a Justin Bieber song."
"A Poem for Kanye West:
Roses are dead.
Violets is blue.
I'm not gay
And so aren't you."
"Put Vaseline on your butt cheeks. Increase maximum flexibility."
"Ride a mechanical Sandra Bullock"
"I had the time of my life, and I never felt so yummy before. Yes I had the time of my life, and I owe it all to Meat Loaf."
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"Go to sleep Ke(dollar sign)ha. Forever. Go to sleep Darth Vader. You will never be a Jedi."
Tubby vs. Musical Brain-Eating Disease is available on iTunes.
Jef With One F is the author of The Bible Spelled Backwards Does Not Change the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.