It’s never too early to get petty, and get the vitriolic juices flowing on a sports season, especially when the sport is the high testosterone zone that is the National Football League. As we’ve covered, for multiple reasons, multiple times this past week, the NFL schedule is out for 2026. We now know when the Texans will play all 17 of their regular season games.
If we are going to be serious about contending for a Super Bowl, then we need to generate the appropriate amount of hate for all 17 games. So, with that established, here are the primary reasons to hate the Texans’ opponents for each of their seventeen regular season games:
Week 1 – vs BILLS, Sun 9/13, Noon
Do you remember C.J. Gardner-Johnson? He was the safety that the Texans picked up in 2025 to play alongside Calen Bullock. They knew he was a mercurial personality, what they didn’t know is that he’d sabotage his own defense by ignoring assignments. He was cut after the 0-3 start last season. Why am I bringing him up? He’s a Buffalo Bill.
Week 2 – vs BENGALS, Sun 9/20, Noon
It’s hard to find a Bengals player to really hate, so instead, I’ll point out that this is one of the cheapest franchises in the NFL. They charge players for socks and Gatorade. At least they did at one time. Also, Cincinnati’s signature dish is Skyline Chili, which is trash.
Week 3 – at COLTS, Sun 9/27, Noon
The Colts’ general manager, Chris Ballard, has many characteristics of a bridge troll, and thinks he is the smartest guy in the room. Also, the Colts are one of those teams that has orchestrated standing ovations in their draft war room after each pick.
Week 4 – vs COWBOYS, Sun 10/4, Noon
This one is not hard. They’re the Cowboys. They exist in Dallas. If you’re a red blooded Houstonian, you need nothing else.
Week 5 – at TITANS, Sun 10/11, Noon
Of course, there are the easy reasons to hate the Tennessee Titans — they’re a division rival that loves to troll Houston by wearing old Oilers uniforms. I’ll put those reasons aside and use their new offensive coordinator Brian Daboll as my reason. I always found him overrated as the Giants head coach, and eventually the Giants did, too. Also, he got all kinds of love for dropping like 100 pounds a couple years ago, and he’s put it all back on. Show some pride, Daboll!
Week 6 – vs JAGUARS in London, Sun 10/18, 8:30am
Their general manager, James Gladstone, is an absurd dweeb, who loves to act like he’s two steps ahead of everyone else. He proclaimed Travis Hunter as someone who would revolutionize football a year ago, because he played offense and defense. Now, Hunter is just a garden variety cornerback, who may get some snaps at receiver. Nice job, Gladstone.
Week 7 – vs GIANTS, Sun 10/25, Noon
It may feel like I’m picking on other teams’ GMs. Perhaps that’s because I am picking on other teams’ GMs. Joe Schoen is the Giants’ GM, and he’s best known for completely botching the Saquon Barkley negotiations, and lying to his owner about Barkley’s free agency market on the offseason “Hard Knocks” in 2024.
Week 8 – BYE
Week 9 – at CHARGERS, Sun 11/8, 3:05p
Their head coach, Jim Harbaugh, is a card carrying weirdo, who used to sleep on the bedroom floors of recruits, when he would visit them back in his University of Michigan head coach days. He is also likely a cheater who got out just in time at the collegiate level.
Week 10 – at BROWNS, Sun 11/15,Noon
Two words. Deshaun Watson.
Week 11 – vs COLTS, Thur 11/19, 7:15pm
Current broadcast phenom Pat McAfee is a former punter for the Colts. Now, he is a biased media member, and a honk for the Colts. Is anyone else kind of stuck of McAfee? I thought so. There’s your second reason to hate the Colts.
Week 12 – vs RAVENS, Sun 11/29, Noon
Former Vanderbilt QB Diego Pavia was one of the more annoying players in college football last season, all the way up to the awards season, when he chastised Heisman voters for not selecting him. Pavia proceeded to go unselected in the NFL Draft, and made the Ravens’ roster on a tryout a few weeks ago. This reason may not last, since it’s doubtful Pavia makes the Ravens’ regular season roster, but for now, it works.
Week 13 – at STEELERS, Sun 12/6, 7:20pm
Their idea of a “championship approach” is reuniting the 2010 Packers in Pittsburgh. Mike McCarthy and Aaron Rodgers, that’s the ticket! Rodgers just announced on Wednesday that this is his last season, so here’s hoping the Texans send him into retirement in Week 13 this season.
Week 14 – at COMMANDERS, Sun 12/13, Noon
Two words. Laremy Tunsil.
Week 15 – vs JAGUARS, Sun 12/20, Noon
We need a second reasons to hate the Jaguars, so just pull up any image of Trevor Lawrence’s face on the internet. Take a good look at it. If you now don’t hate the Jaguars, then you’re not human.
Week 16 – at EAGLES, Thur 12/24, 7:15pm
Their head coach Nick Sirianni is the most ironic good coach in league history. He doesn’t seem particularly smart, he doesn’t seem particularly well liked, and he picks fights with fans. You get dumber when you listen to him speak.
Week 17 – at PACKERS, Mon 1/4, 7:15 p.m.
Former Cowboy Micah Parsons is now a Packer. When I was at the Super Bowl, I was staying at Parsons’ hotel, and he was hogging the entire gym at the hotel, with a massage table in the middle of the machines, and his little kid running around being obnoxious. Parsons is easy to hate.
Week 18 – vs TITANS, TBD
Three words. Amy Adams Strunk.
