Sometimes, you watch ineptitude with your own eyes, without any sort of quantitative or statistical context, and it feels a bit surreal, but completely shocking, Then, perhaps you’re handed a sheet with some numbers related to the debacle you’ve just watched, and you realize “Oh wow, I was just watching some HISTORICAL level poor performance.”
Such is life covering the Houston Texans in the press box at home games during this dreadful era of Texans football. Such is life being a fan of the Houston Texans dipping your toe into the social media waters on a Sunday evening. If you haven’t lived this numerical nightmare yet, then buckle up because here are a few numbers from the worst Texans game I’ve ever attended, Sunday’s 17-10 loss to the Tennessee Titans:
4. Derrick Henry against the Texans ALONE is good enough for a league record
These 200 yard, multiple touchdown games by Henry are starting to feel like a pre-arranged beating (two of them, actually) every season, and we are so wrapped up in watching the Texans get rag dolled that we have no idea that Henry is doing to the Texans what no other player has done in his CAREER to the rest of the NFL:
Indeed, Derrick Henry has more 200 yard, 2 touchdown games against the TEXANS than any other player has in his CAREER. Overall, Henry has twice as many as the next closest player.
3. The Texans were absurdly futile offensively in the first half Sunday
Hey, get out a tape measure, okay? I’ll wait while you go get it… ok, got one? Good. Now, measure 1.4 yards. Not a real long distance, right? Yeah, well that’s how much distance the Texans averaged PER PLAY in the first half on Sunday. They ran 25 plays for a whopping total of 35 yards. Davis Mills, the quarterback who is being given a seemingly unending leash to prove how bad he is at quarterback, piled up a total of 17 yards passing in the first half. Texan season ticket holders should receive some sort of punitive damages for what Pep Hamilton’s offense is inflicting upon their eyes.
2. Oh, how about the post turnover numbers! Check out this crap!
So the Texans were able to force two turnovers on Sunday against the Titans, both in the first half, giving some inkling of hope that they could punch the ball into the end zone. Both turnovers gave the Texans great field position. The Texans did the exact opposite of capitalizing on these opportunities. First, there was the Robert Woods fumble on a punt return that the Texans recovered on the Tennessee 42 yard line. The next four plays were a 10 yard penalty for an illegal block, two incomplete passes, and a -3 yard run by Dameon Pierce sandwiched in between. Then, on the next Titans possession, Steven Nelson picked off Malik Willis and returned the ball to the Tennessee 11 yard line. The Texans next three offensive plays were two incomplete passes and a 13 yard sack. They would kick a 42 yard field goal So, if you’re scoring at home, the Texans’ response to both turnovers forced was -26 yards of offense. Yippee!
1. Prior to the “garbage time” final drive, Brandin Cooks had two catches for three yards
He was able to tack on two catches for 70 yards with the Titans’ defense more focused on the meal on the flight home than actually covering him, so Cooks’ stats looked better than the actual play on the field. Cooks is not really hiding his desire to get out of Houston. He is wearing it on his sleeve. I would imagine that these numbers for DeAndre Hopkins in Arizona are not going to make Texan fans feel much better:
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This article appears in Jan 1 – Dec 31, 2022.
