I know the elections are almost here. If you’re like me, they can’t get here quick enough. And if you’re like me, you’re probably really, really tired of both candidates. I’m also sure that there are some of you out there who might be looking for a different alternative.
Well, I have a candidate for you.
I want you to meet Pierre the Fanatical Hockey Snowman. He’s the mascot of the NHL’s Phoenix Coyotes, and apparently, he’s running for president. Personally, I like his stance on gay marriage and his solution to the Dallas Stars problem.
But why don’t I let you decide for yourself.
And if that’s not enough for you, here he is with his campaign song, as well as a press conference where he gets a little negative toward the other candidates. I like Pierre. I would also consider giving him my vote.
There’s just one problem. According to the Constitution, to be president, you must be a U.S. citizen. Now I don’t know when Pierre joined the Coyotes, but the Coyotes themselves were actually born in Canada as the Winnipeg Jets. And if you listen to him, he really seems to be rocking a heavy French-Canadian accent. So I don’t think he can get the job.
But don’t worry. I like the mascot as a president idea, so I did some searching for you. I think I’ve got some other candidates for you consider. Like the San Diego Chicken. Not only is he experienced, but he’s actually fought dinosaurs. And speaking of fighting evil, you can get much more evil than Darth Vader, and the Phillie Phanatic handled him. Personally, I don’t know if you can get much better than the four mascots who take place in the Racing Presidents feature for the Washington Nationals – George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt. You can’t get much better than four of our greatest presidents.
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But I think I have a more ideal candidate. A candidate who protects his home field. A candidate who’s not afraid to take on the powerful. That’s right. I’m talking about the Oregon Duck, and if he’s not afraid to take on a Cougar – and he sure whipped that Cougar’s ass – then just think of what he’ll do to the evil terrorists out there.
And since every presidential candidate needs an attack dog to serve as his vice-president, someone to go on the attack with the negative campaigning and take some of the heat for the bad things that happen, I can think of no one better than the Stanford Tree who’s got no problem taking on huge bears when they try to invade Stanford’s turf.
The Duck and the Tree. That, my friends, is a presidential ticket that we can really believe in. – John Royal