East Texas and Butcher Knives: Two Great Tastes That Go Great Together

East Texas is known for many things: the piney woods, beautiful lakes, white supremacists, meth dealers and girls named Crystal immediately come to mind. But apparently you may soon be able to add butcher knife to that list. Two separate reports detail the use of butcher knives in recent crimes against our neighbors to the east.

For the moment, we're going to assume this means a classic carving knife and not a butcher's cleaver. That would be moving us into the early-80s horror-movie universe and, while east Texas may be pretty freaky, we'd like to believe they haven't ventured quite into Jason Voorhees territory...yet.

Even so, the use of this specific form of cutlery is disturbing.

In the first case, dating back to late January, a man from tiny Corrigan, Texas, turned himself in over the weekend, confessing to police he was "tired of running." Horace "Lucky" Hayden Harrell III (no word on if his father and grandfather were also nicknamed Lucky) was running because he allegedly stabbed another man in the face after a smack-talking incident at, where else, an apartment complex. Sadly, "smack talking leads to face stabbing at apartment complex" sounds like an all-too-familiar headline in these parts.

The victim is apparently fine except for the fact he was stabbed in the freaking face. Harrell has been relieved of all his stabbing implements and sits in Polk County Jail, his bail set at $45,000.

The second butcher knife-wielding criminal is still at large, though he is not wearing a ski mask or a woman's wig and his mother's clothing, so that's good news. He was dressed in all black and wearing a ski mask! Gulp.

Just before 4 a.m., the suspect entered a store on Memorial Boulevard in Port Aurthur demanding money. He leaped over the counter and took money from the register before fleeing on foot.

We would just like to go on record as saying the only people in east Texas we want flailing about with butcher knives are the good folks at Patillo's Bar-B-Q. If anyone is going to be slicing into anything over there, we'd rather it be brisket than A HUMAN FACE!

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