Every year around this time, we go into New Year’s Resolutions Mode, where we vow to lose that beer-belly, read more books and hook up with at least one Kardashian. But Hair Balls is just regular folk, and no one’s really interested in regular folk, which is why we’re presenting a list of resolutions from famous people. Or at least the resolutions we imagine they secretly make to themselves. What can we expect from these people in 2012, assuming the Mayans weren’t right? Let’s take a look…
Arnold Schwarzenegger Hire new maid (don’t get pregnant!!!)
Lady Gaga Revert to natural brunette now that Winehouse is gone
Kanye West Commission diamond-encrusted gold statue of me making love to myself for placement in living room, next to Michael Jackson skeleton; berate any guests who make direct eye contact with it
Lindsay Lohan Look into this AAA thing that superior court judges are always telling me about
Tyler Perry Make a movie without a man dressed as a fat woman — maybe a fat woman dressed as a man? KA-CHING!
Anthony Weiner Stop taking pictures of my junk. Stop taking pictures of my junk and sending them to chicks I want to bang Stop taking pictures of my junk and sending them to chicks I want to bang and then blame it on someone hacking my phone Stop taking pictures of my junk and sending them to chicks I want to bang and then blame it on someone hacking my phone and then go to the gym and take another pic of my junk Write a book (not about junk)
Charlie Sheen Call Emilio about dusting off that “Men at Work” sequel
Brett Rattner Resolutions are for fags
Nicki Minaj Finally get U.S. Department of Interior to designate booty as a national historic landmark
Julian Assange [redacted]
Katy Perry Develop talent
Barack Obama Look for new job — who do I know that can get me an “in”?
Robert Wagner Make sure to pin it all on Walken
Tom Cruise Obtain Operating Thetan Level VI, transcend Teegeeack and confront Xenu, evil overlord of Galactic Confederacy. Or maybe just make another Mission Impossible
This article appears in Dec 29, 2011 – Jan 4, 2012.
