Holiday season is in full swing, and soon our homes will be filled with
family members we’ve been successfully avoiding for the last 11 months,
many of whom will wear out their welcomes before their Members Only
jacket hits the pile on the bed. We in the media may be secular
humanists with no regard for traditional family values, but we can still
sympathize with your plight. Use this list of room-clearing Christmas
movies sparingly.
5. Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
Take my word for it, it’s probably not a good idea to allow a child who
still believes in Santa Claus (like, say, your 8-year old sister) to
watch this with you when you’re supposed to be babysitting, even if you
think doing so will totally get your parents back for not buying you a
ColecoVision.
4. Invasion, U.S.A. (1995)
As if Chuck Norris hadn’t taught us enough about the dangers of
Communism and the advantages of elasti-crotch blue jeans already, in
Invasion U.S.A. we also learn that 1) America’s highest-profile
targets aren’t refineries or our electrical infrastructure, but malls
and churches, and 2) a dedicated and highly trained terrorist
organization with an unlimited supply of weaponry is no match for a guy who
can fire two Uzis at once.
3. Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
To be honest, I don’t really think the “Ernest” movies are that bad.
This is a list of flicks you’re hoping will send unwanted house
guests fleeing to the hills, however, and there aren’t a lot of folks
who can comprehend the underappreciated genius of Jim Varney’s
performance.
2. Anything with Tim Allen
Convicted drunk driver and cokehound Allen always seemed a curious
choice to be the poster boy of Disney’s brand of Christmas fare, until
you realize none of his apparent hell-raising proclivities bleed through
into his movies. Lord knows shit like Wild Hogs and
Christmas with the Kranks might’ve been livened up with the
addition of a little blow.
1. Surviving Christmas (2004)
What’s that? A cynical professional-type who’s “too busy for Christmas”
somehow finds love, laughter, and life lessons during the holiday
season? “Surviving” should be in the title of all Ben Affleck’s movies,
since it’s the most accurate word for how you feel when you emerge from
the theater, blinking back tears as non-specific pains and sharp
feelings of guilt war for control of your consciousness.
— Pete Vonder Haar
This article appears in Dec 11-17, 2008.