Five More Houstonians and Their Wacky Sexual Escapades

U.S. District Judge Samuel Kent of Houston is faced with a slew of sexual misconduct charges, including aggravated sexual abuse, abusive sexual contact and obstruction of justice, for which he faces a possible sentence of life in prison and a $250,000 fine. Things look bleak for Judge Kent, but he should take some small comfort in knowing that he’s not the only Houstonian to get in trouble for these kinds of shenanigans.

1. Calvin Murphy — Houston Rockets guard Murphy had almost as many illegitimate children as he did free throws, and when five of them charged him with sexual abuse, it looked like that free-throws record was going to be overshadowed long before anyone ever heard the words “Tracy McGrady”. But when no other reports of sexual abuse turned up (and as the long-time director of Houston’s Marching Thunder Drill Team — a marching band and baton-twirling group — Murphy would have had plenty of opportunity, not to mention a bountiful selection), the jury deliberated a mere two hours before agreeing with Murphy’s lawyer that his accusers merely wanted money, and acquitted him of all charges.

2. Chuck Rosenthal — Former Harris County District Attorney Rosenthal
succumbed to Greek-tragedy-caliber hubris when his extramarital flirting with his secretary came to light once his e-mail was subpoenaed. It
could be argued that incriminating evidence in one’s email isn’t
necessarily an indication of hubris, but that argument crumbles a bit
once you realize Rosenthal’s wife Cindy used to be a Special Agent with
the FBI, key emphasis on the “I”. Just one example in a long line of
hypocritical Republicans who attempted to legislate sexual moralism (he
argued before the Supreme Court that Texas laws against sodomy were
constitutional), Rosenthal is another reminder that every time someone
tries to reform the country’s sexual practices into something vanilla
and family-friendly, that is a pretty clear indication that a full
investigation is in order to see what they’re hiding.

3. Huey Meaux —
When a police investigation begins with the prying open of a door that
leads to a “playroom” which prominently features a gynecological exam
table and a drawer full of cocaine, it’s a safe bet the ride is
probably downhill from there. That was certainly true for famed record
producer Meaux who, when not producing hits like Freddy Fender’s
“Before the Next Teardrop Falls,” spent a great deal of time producing
videos of himself having sex with a stable of girls ranging in age from
twelve to sixteen. Despite being charged with possession of a
controlled substance, possession of child pornography and two counts of
aggravated sexual assault of a child (not to mention the whole
bond-jumping incident), Meaux’s mandatory release date was September
15, 2002, which means he’s been a free man for more than six years. No
word yet on if he’s put in a new playroom.

4. Roger Clemens — Only two
years after designated hitter/dime-store stoolie José Canseco
described him in his tell-all book Juiced as “one of the very few
baseball players I know who never cheated on his wife,” it came to
light that not only had renowned Astros/Yankees pitcher Roger Clemens
cheated on his wife, he’d done it several times. The New York Daily
News reported on the possibility that Clemens’ extramarital
relationship with country star Mindy McReady may have begun when the
singer was only 15; however, Clemens and McReady denied this and
maintained that although they had met when McReady was sixteen, their
relationship did not become sexual until “several years” later. To be
fair, none of Clemens’ ex-flings had anything but terse silence for the
press when they came nosing around for dirt, and that, taken with
reports that Clemens was pretty lucrative with the jewelry, travel
tickets, and passes to games suggests that he was at least decent to
the women he fooled around with, which is more than ol’ “Slap Happy” Canseco can say.

5. Sam Houston — The accounts of exactly what happened
on the city namesake’s wedding night are short on fact and long on
speculation, but this much is known: mere days after 19-year-old Eliza
Allen married the 35-year-old Tennessee governor, she watched Houston
have a snowball fight with friend Martha Martin’s kids and bitterly
muttered “I wish they would kill him.” A few weeks after that, Eliza
fled back to her family, leaving Houston’s political career in tatters
and igniting wild speculation as to what might have happened. Theories
range from Eliza’s tearful confession of her love for another man (to
which Houston supposedly replied “Miss, no white woman is my slave,”
which was probably pretty gracious for the time period) to the fact
that the man known as The Raven and Big Drunk by the Cherokee he lived
with as a teenager horrified his old-fashioned new wife by romancing
her in their style, which today we would describe as “doggy.” Whatever
happened, the resulting scandal caused the disgraced Houston to resign
his post as governor of Tennessee and head west, which, of course, any
Houstonian should be grateful for.