Five Reasons Why Michael Vick Should Play For The Houston Texans

Michael Vick, the country’s most famous dog-fighter, has gotten out of prison and is now a Philadephia Eagle.

This is sad for a couple of reasons — one, we would have liked to have seen how Eagle fans treated Vick when he came in with another team, and two, he’s not a Texan.

Michael Vick a Texan? Surely Bob McNair would never even contemplate such a thing. But it actually makes sense for many reasons. Here are the top five:

5. We already have the rodeo. Let’s see — take some animals who would much rather spend their time lazing about and breeding, prod and poke and train them until they’re angry, all for some “competition” to amuse humans? Welcome to the rodeo, Michael Vick!

4. We appear to be Dogfight Central. Authorities are always
busting “major dogfighting rings” here, complete with press conferences
and….well, soon-to-be-euthanized “rescued” dogs. We think it’s the
confluence of the redneck Piney Woods, Houston’s rap scene and the
vibrant Hispanic culture, some of which likes to see cockfights and
dogfights. All races, all cultures coming together to torture animals.

3. The Texans are too dull. Sure, once in a while one of them
will get tased, but in Houston, who hasn’t? Look Texans, you can’t
out-Colt the Colts either on the field or off it. Go Oakland
Raider-style. Get some bad boys in here and at least lose
entertainingly.

2. Houston is a very forgiving city. Look at all the people we
give second chances to. Why, one time Craig Biggio was three minutes
late for Mass. Did Houston hound him out of town? No, we accepted his
sincere apology and let him play on. We kept a close eye on him from
then on, of course, but we still semi-forgave.

And the most important reason of all:

1. Houston is home to BARC. BARC, in case you’re not a fan of fiascos,
is the city’s dog pound and pet shelter. They tend to do things like
accidentally wash puppies down the drain, throw dead dogs onto the back
of pickup trucks and drive through the city, kill more animals than any
other big-city shelter, and they do it all without appearing the least
bit sorry about it. Is that a perfect place for Michael Vick or not?

So yeah, we got beat out by the Eagles in signing Vick. Who says there can’t be a trade?