Happy
New Year to all of you. Quick question — what is the record for
breaking a New Year’s Resolution that doesn’t involve alcohol, drugs or
sex? Because I just ate a Chipwich for breakfast…just wondering.
Well, 2010 is here, and that means we get to hit the reset button
on “Surreal Story of the Year”. A totally clean, T-Macless, Tigerless,
Tebowless slate.
(Quick note on Tebow — My 11-year-old daughter
came in and woke me up this morning because she was bored. She was
watching College Gameday and started telling me how she thought Tim
Tebow was kind of cool…except that, her exact words, “when he throws
it he winds up and throws it really slow.” So it’s official…now
EVERYBODY is aware that Tim Tebow is going to suck in the NFL.)
I wrote a blog post earlier this week about the surreal efforts put forth by luminaries in
the sports world to seeingly try and one-up Tiger Woods and his
hyperactive weiner. Urban Meyer, Mike Leach, Tracy McGrady all made
late runs at El Tigre, but Tiger managed to get out of 2009 holding the
belt for Surreal Sports Story of 2009. So now the calendar has
flipped, and it took all of about six hours to get a story that might
put a death grip on the title for 2010, at the very least into February.
Remember the movie Far and Away with Tom Cruise playing the
part of a poor working-class Irishman and Nicole Kidman as the
aristocrat’s daughter with the heart of lead? Well, there’s a scene
where Tom Cruise attempts to kill the landlord (Kidman’s character’s
father) who drove his family off their land. Well, in a move eerily
reminiscent of T-Mac getting his own dunk rejected by the rim,
Tom Cruise’s gun explodes in his face, and he is caught by the
landlord’s right-hand man who then proposes the preferred method for
taking care of business in late 1800’s Ireland…pistols at dawn.
This brings us to the current champion for Surreal Sports Story of 2010 — apparently, according to the New York Post,
Washington Wizards guards Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton had a
wager on something; we don’t know if it was basketball-related or not,
but we can assume two things — (1) David Stern is on his knees praying
that it isn’t, and (2) Tim Donaghy immediately sat down at his computer
and began book number two.
Anyway, back to Arenas and Crittenton. According to the story,
Crittenton won whatever the wager was and Arenas did what veteran
players do when they owe second-year guys money…he made fun of him
and refused to pay. Crittenton promptly informed Arenas that “[He is]
not Arenas’ punk [yo]!” and Arenas at that point decided to turn the
Wizards locker room into the pawn shop scene in Pulp Fiction…well, the part with all the guns, not the sodomy part.
So Arenas pulled one of his guns on Crittenton…you know, just to
show him that perhaps he IS Arenas’ punk. Not to be denied, Crittenton
pulled out a sidearm of his own, and VOILA! We had pistols at dawn in
the Wizards locker room! (Insert “based on how Arenas has been
shooting this year, Crittenton probably wasn’t in much danger” joke
here.)
How it came to this, I am not sure; I wasn’t there. I do know that
prior to last season, Arenas (gimpy knee and all) signed a ridiculous
$111-million extension, so paying whatever debt owed Crittenton
shouldn’t have been an issue. My questions mainly center around how
prevalent guns are in NBA locker rooms, and if this happened in the
2009 Wizards locker room, then just how Call of Duty-crazy was the
Blazers locker room in the late 1990’s?
The Wizards (whose previous team name was the Bullets, but
ownership wanted a less violent, less gun-related nickname…how’s that
workin’ out?) are 10-20 and in last place in the Southeast Division.
I’m pretty sure “holding each other at gunpoint” is not on any list of
team-building exercises that are going to get them out of the cellar. At
the very least, I’d like to see Arenas and Crittenton become a bit more
civilized and perhaps settle their little squabble via fencing instead
of pointing guns at each other.
Whatever the case, we have an early leader in the clubhouse for
Surreal Sports Story of 2010! Congratulations! Now the rest of you, get
to work…and please know that gunplay is now considered unoriginal. We
hate copycats. Stay safe.
THIS WEEKEND’S BEST BETS
Coming off my first above .500 weekend of the season two weeks ago, let’s see if last week was another Festivus Miracle!
San Diego +3 over Tennessee (CHARGERS 42-17…WINNER! I believe I even said MONEYLINE the CHARGERS.)
North Carolina +2.5 over Pitt (PITT 19-17, WINNER!!)
BC/USC under 44 (USC 24-13, WINNER!!)
Texans +3 over Dolphins (TEXANS 27-20, another outright dog WINNER!!)
Cowboys -6.5 over Redskins (COWBOYS 17-0, what the hell is going on here? WINNER!!)
Kentucky +6.5 over Clemson (CLEMSON 21-13, damn just missed the sweep, LOSER!!)
Record Last Week: 5-1
Record on Hair Balls: 25-27-2
Let’s go with an all bowl game cadre of picks this week. Here we go…
Oregon -4 vs Ohio State
Cincinnati +13 vs Florida
South Florida -7 vs NIU
South Carolina/UConn under 51.5
Texas Tech -7.5 vs Michigan State
Alabama -4 vs Texas
Happy New Year to all! Back to nursing your hangovers!
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7PM weekdays on the Sean & John Show, and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
This article appears in Dec 31, 2009 – Jan 6, 2010.
