In the end, I guess someone had to go. If you’re the front office of a
proud franchise like the Steelers, you can only have so many impromptu press
conferences, district attorney explanations, and women screaming foul before
a message needs to get sent. You’re not going to move the star quarterback,
even if he did show up at today’s “See, I Told You I Didn’t Do It” press availibility sporting a greased-back mullet and a three-day-old beard (the only
thing missing from the “Yeah, I Probably Did Rape Her, So What?” ensemble
was some “fuck you” sunglasses). It’s a quarterback’s league, you’ve built
your entire offense around him, acquiesced to his whims for the coaching
staff, and — oh yeah — his backup is Charlie Batch.
It’s always easier to move the wide receiver who allegedly throws glass
containers at women in bars, especially when you consider that his backup
Mike Wallace made huge strides as a rookie, receivers are easier to replace,
and — oh yeah — he’s facing a four-game suspension for substance abuse.
So you get on the phone and you move swiftly, sending the wide receiver to a
fellow AFC contender (the term “fellow” presumes that the Steelers are still
a contender) for a song. You tell Big Ben he better get his shit together
or he’s next and you move forward.
The Santonio Holmes trade is kind of what you choose to make it.
Addition
by subtraction? An attempt to show Ben Roethlisberger that the team has
no
problem with a little self-mutilation if it means ridding themselves of
an
ugly wart? Dumping a stock for something before you were going to tear
it
up and throw it away anyway? Yes, yes, and yes. Those are all
conscious
reasons that the Steelers dumped Holmes for a fifth-round pick in next
week’s NFL draft.
Reasons are reasons, in the end I’m more enthralled with the post-trade
fallout, and while draft experts break down what this means to both
teams’
draft boards, while fantasy players salivate over the middle of the
field
now opening up for Jets tight end Dustin Keller, I think the thing that
has
me most excited is that Holmes-to-the-Jets is just one more step toward
the
construction of the most watchable Hard Knocks season in the history
of
the series.
Admittedly, when the Texans were in the mix as a possibility for HBO’s
fantastic weekly training-camp spotlight, I was pretty excited mainly
because they are our hometown team, and there was an outside chance that
my
co-worker Raheel Ramzanali would finally have his buffoonery noticed on a
bigger stage than our station’s YouTube account….
…dare to dream.
The fact of the matter is, other than the intrigue of a Houston team on
the
show and the possibility of wide receiver David Anderson becoming the
breakout television star of the summer, putting the Jets on Hard
Knocks instead of the Texans (or any other team, for that matter) was
a no-brainer. There’s not a single team in the league that can match up with
the
Jets’ fire power:
— Head Coach Rex Ryan, fresh off lap-band surgery this off-season
— Quarterback Mark Sanchez, fresh off banging a Brazilian supermodel
this
off-season
— Wide receiver Braylon Edwards, a malcontent pretty much his whole
career
— Cornerback Antonio Cromartie, who needed a $500,000 advance on his
salary
just to stay current on child support for his seven kids with six women
in
five states (true story)
— Future Hall of Famer LaDanian Tomlinson joining this circus
— A defense whose alpha dogs are some of the best at their position
(Revis,
Scott, Jenkins)
And now add Holmes to that mix. I swear it’s almost like the Jets are
building this team more to pop a Hard Knocks rating each week than to
win
a Super Bowl (although both are a decent possibility), and to be VERY
clear,
I am not complaining one bit.
If indeed their focus is giving us a watchable documentary series on
their
training camp, then the rookies the Jets bring in via the draft will
have a
significant say in whether or not they pull this off. That said,
putting
aside actual draft needs — you know, the silly kind that involve making
your football team better — and looking at this draft as strictly an
effort
in making for a more entertaining Hard Knocks, here’s how I’d like to
see
the Jets’ draft play out next weekend (Note: The Jets are without a
third
and fifth round pick, having given those up for Edwards and Holmes):
ROUND 1 (29th overall) — NT Terrance Cody, Alabama
ANALYSIS: There’s nothing better than a fat guy getting into another
fat
guy about their lack of discipline. That’s why I always chuckled at
Charlie
Weis and Mark Mangino talking about physical toughness and discipline
when
they both needed a golf cart just to get around the practice field. It
would be hilarious to see the new “slender” Rex Ryan get into Cody for
being
out of shape. Along those lines, it would be fascinating to see if a
shirtless Cody and his humongous breasts would be enough to make HBO
have to
attach a “Nudity” warning to the show. (Two of these three guys have lost over 40 pounds since this picture was
taken!)
 |
ROUND 2 (61st overall) — QB Tim Tebow, Florida
ANALYSIS: Yeah, it makes no sense football-wise because Sanchez is the
quarterback of the future, but how great would Tebow’s over-the-top
babyface
persona play in this mix? From Tebow trying to talk Holmes into joining
a
bible-study group to Tebow going clubbing with Sanchez and ordering a
glass
of milk (which shows up in a martini glass, of course), this needs to
happen. This would also allow us all to obsess over Tebow’s glacial
windup
and release each week, because we’re not doing nearly enough of that
already.
ROUND 4 (124th overall) — RB LaGarrette Blount
ANALYSIS: We’re going to need a good fistfight or sucker punch at some
point. Blount is to the sucker punch what Sam Bradford is to looking
off
the safety…
ROUND 6 (198th overall) — WR Riley Cooper
ANALYSIS: Every good reality show has to have a love storyline, and
while
this may not have the same oomph as Colt McCoy/Jordan Shipley would, we
would finally get the inside look at the “roommate” dynamic between
Tebow
and Cooper. Like Bosom Buddies meets Brokeback Mountain meets Hard
Knocks. Major potential.
ROUND 7 (236th overall) — OL Holley Mangold, Ursuline College
ANALYSIS: Yes, this is the sister of Jets center Nick Mangold; if you
haven’t seen her story yet, well here you go…..
Remember, you can never have too much offensive line help…also, the
possibility (at least biologically) that Antonio Cromartie could
actually
knock up a teammate is the storyline knockout punch.
As NFL draft analysts, Todd McShay and Mel Kiper would give this draft
class
an unequivocal F- grade. As a Hard Knocks viewer, I would give it a
grade
somewhere between A+++ and A++++.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the Sean & John Show, and follow him on Twitter at
http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
This article appears in Apr 8-14, 2010.
