“The only time this much havoc had been wreaked by this few a number of people, you need to go all the way back to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!” — Arn Anderson
And with that seemingly throwaway line during a wrestling promo, one of the most entertaining factions in the history of sports entertainment was born.
I know that not everyone reading this is a fan of professional wrestling, so I’ll spare you the detailed history lesson, as entertaining as it may be. However, just know that in wrestling circles, the Four Horsemen (at least a few iterations of them) were the standard bearer for many years in terms of entertainment value, in ring and on the microphone. There was a strength in numbers that made them natural villains (wrestling fans all booed them at some point), and yet deep down, we were in essence cheering for them insomuch as we wanted to see them on every card and every show. They were that good.
So what does this have to do with NBA free agency? Well, quite simply, amidst the vaunted Free Agent Class of 2010, factions are forming, alliances are being whispered about, and conversations are taking place as we speak. The buzz reached a fever pitch this week with discussion of a possible Free Agent Summit meeting, where I would assume the top free agents would gather for a “five families” style meeting and LeBron James and Dwyane Wade would eventually hug amidst applause and lingering tears from Sonny’s demise on the causeway.
Rumors of such a meeting have since been squashed by
Wade’s representation, with Henry Thomas (who conveniently enough
represents Wade AND Chris Bosh, more on that in a minute) saying that
there was never a meeting mentioned per se, but instead there would be
“conversations” between a handful of the top names as to what their
plans are and where said plans might intersect for mutual benefit.
And herein lies one of the major problems with the NBA right now —
the same thing that David Stern built the rise of the league upon back
in the 1980’s (marketing and star power of marquee players) is what is
turning people away, or at the very least confusing them as to how best
to follow his sport. We’re 24 hours away from the NBA Finals, a Finals
that by the way includes arguably the two most prominent franchises in
the history of the sport, and all the talk is about which lottery or
fringe lottery teams have cap space to sign which free agents (many of
whom couldn’t get their teams into the conference finals, much less the
NBA Finals). LeBron is doing Larry King interviews, Dwyane Wade is
calling summit meetings maybe/sort of, and Amare Stoudemire wants in on
the party.
ESPN has gone so far as to create an actual NBA Free Agent slot machine that you pull and see
where free agents land, maybe the most pointless waste of time ever.
It’s come to this.
So as we ready ourselves for the NBA Finals (a topic I’ll tackle
tomorrow), I want to try and put this year’s free agency class in terms
that at least some of my followers/listeners/readers can understand.
Comparing the NBA free agents to Sopranos family members is
do-able (the summit as a mob sitdown has true potential), but honestly
the most apropos cross-genre analogy I can make, where a group of stars
is actually bigger than the “sport/entertainment outlet” within which
they “play” is the NBA free agent Class of 2010 as members of
professional wrestling’s Four Horsemen.
So if you’re a wrestling fan, you’ll enjoy this. If you’re a
basketball fan, you’ll enjoy this. If you’re a fan of neither, I’m not
gonna lie….you’ll enjoy this.
So here we go…WOOOOOOOO….
Any analysis of this crop of free agents has to start with the
identification of the true Horseman, the top dogs, the “big font size”
names on the billboard. Most wrestling fans agree that the first-ever
iteration of the Four Horsemen (Ric Flair, Tully Blanchard, Arn
Anderson, Ole Anderson with James J. Dillon in their corner) was the
best one. Go ahead and check out this video, read on, and then go back
and check it again after I’ve laid out who is whom amongst the NBA free
agent crop….
LeBRON JAMES
Analysis: The unabashed leader and perceived grand prize of this
year’s free agent class. Can make even the most ragtag bunch of
misfits and never-been’s into a 60-win team. A worldwide brand in
nearly every sense of the word, even if you don’t follow basketball you
know who LeBron James is.
Horsemen comparison: Ric Flair — jet-flyin’, limo-ridin’, kiss-stealin’, wheelin’-dealin’ son of a gun. If there were a
draft of former Horsemen, Flair would be the runaway number one pick.
Like LeBron in this year’s class.
DWYANE WADE
Analysis: Clear-cut second marquee guy, if LeBron is top dog
inarguably (and some might even argue, I get it), then Wade is that
easily the number two guy in this class. Even with a title, may still
be underrated in some respects.
Horseman comparison: Tully Blanchard — solid
number two to Flair’s number one. Technical, fundamentally sound. Bonus
comparison points for each one having experienced serious marital
strife.
JOE JOHNSON/CHRIS BOSH
Analysis: While both are viewed as top-tier free agents, the fact of the
matter is that neither have achieved anything truly substantial on his
own as the best player on his team. Both viewed more as “best options
to pair with one of the big names” as opposed to a big name who can be
“the guy.”
Horseman comparison: Ole and Arn Anderson —
Johnson as the older, more grizzled veteran and Bosh as the enforcer
works for me. Comparison bonus — Bosh has been linked with Wade in
Miami as much as anyone, so you have the reprisal of the WWF
Brainbusters (Tully and Arn) in 1989 if they both wind up in Miami
(which would cast Henry Thomas as Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, I suppose).
WORLDWIDE WES
Analysis: If you don’t know who “Worldwide
Wes” is, don’t feel bad. It probably just means you’re not an NBA
player, potential NBA coach, or involved with the sneaker business.
Basically, Wes is a guy who pulls way more strings than a guy whose
resume consists of “played high school basketball against Milt Wagner”
and “sold shoes” should. Whatever ends up happening this free agency
season, his fingerprints will be on it somewhere.
Horseman comparison: James J. Dillon — the
behind-the-scenes manipulator of the Horsemen. That’s all you need to
know.
Now go ahead and watch that Youtube clip again, and insert the NBA
players in as their wrestling counterparts and try not to either (a)
laugh, (b) nod your head, (c) shake your head knowing I’m right, or (d)
all of the above. You can’t do it….try….
As for a thumbnail analysis of the rest of the Class of 2010, well
here you go….
AMARE STOUDEMIRE: One-trick pony (offense, offense,
offense) who basically invited himself to the summit, thereby crashing
the party of the original Four Horsemen uninvited. He’s allowed in the
team picture, but an “outside the top four” guy. (COMPARISON:
Lex Luger)
CARLOS BOOZER: Solid performer with a noteworthy pedigree
(former Duke Blue Devil) who hasn’t been a fixture on a title contender.
If he’s your best guy and your splashiest off-season signing,
hopefully your city has baseball and football. (COMPARISON:
Barry Windham)
YAO MING: If Yao chooses to opt out (he has yet to
indicate his plans), then he becomes the biggest free agent on the
market in a literal sense. Big, plodding, injury prone. This is an
easy one… (COMPARISON: Sid Vicious…
…especially the injury part — WARNING, video is
gruesome…)
MATT BARNES: A scrub by any comparison to the other names on
the list, Barnes is a journeyman who is choosing this offseason to try
and cash in on averaging 8 points a game by opting out of his deal.
Obviously, he doesn’t realize that he’s Matt Barnes. (COMPARISON:
Paul Roma, the centerpiece of the worst iteration of the
Horsemen ever.)
KWAME BROWN: Steve “Mongo” McMichael. Next.
DIRK NOWITZKI: Like Yao, Dirk would need to opt out of his
deal. If he does, there’s been no mention of his being part of the
figurative summit proceedings. This would lead me to believe that maybe
the summit views him as the “enemy,” complete with the mop of blonde
hair. (COMPARISON: Dusty Rhodes…which would make
Nowitzki’s psycho skank girlfriend “Baby Doll”…see below)
KOBE BRYANT: Not a free agent, but the only one on this list still
playing basketball this season, which ultimately makes him better than
all the Horsemen on this list. No one on this list can come close to
Kobe in terms of winning and winning big. I hate to say it, Kobe Bryant
is “Stone Cold” Steve Austin….
WHAT?!?
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the
“Sean & John Show”, and follow him on Twitter at
http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
This article appears in May 27 – Jun 2, 2010.
