Game Time: Tiger, Why Can't You Be More Like Jeter?

I have very few sports allegiances that drive me to either end of the
emotional spectrum, especially professionally. Honestly, in the business
that I’m in, I think it actually helps me think and assess things clearer
than if I had a diehard rooting interest.

Sure, I root for the Houston
teams, and in particular certain players that I’ve gotten to know a little
bit in my two years back in Houston. I root for Notre Dame (my alma mater)
in college football. Professionally, the only team that moves the emotional
needle for me (and admittedly, even they haven’t really done that since
2004) is the Boston Red Sox, which by definition means that the New York
Yankees move the emotional hate-meter for me as well.

Where am I going with all of this? Well, as a Red Sox fan, I’m about to
commit treason when I say that Derek Jeter just became my favorite athlete.
Subliminally, maybe he has been for some time now, but I just realized it
today. Why? Well, we have Tiger Woods to thank for that. Stay with me….

Last week, Derek Jeter was named Sportsman of the Year by Sports
Illustrated. In giving the award, SI‘s Terry
McDonnell said, “Derek Jeter has always presented himself with class; he
does numerous good works for the community with his Turn 2 Foundation, which
is one of the most efficient, effective foundations of its kind; and he’s
extremely generous with not just his money but with his time, which in many
cases is more valuable. He also had another signature year on the field.”

Yeah, blah blah blah…that’s all well and good. It bears mentioning that
Jeter is also a 10-time All Star, a five-time World Champion, and will pass
the 3,000-hit plateau sometime in 2011, not to mention the fact that he’s
carved out a pretty nice financial emprie of his own. Not Tiger-esque, but
enough for his grandkids’ grandkids to live comfortably….that is, if Jeter
were to ever decide to procreate. And therein lies the rub, and the reason
why I think Derek Jeter is the Sportsman of the Year and the smartest man on
the planet — Derek Jeter bangs who he wants, when he wants, with no fear of
reprisal.

I realize that for some of you, that last sentence sounds crass and
superficial, but when guys around the country are asked the question “Which
athlete would you most want to trade lives with?” and they answer “Derek
Jeter” in about two-tenths of a nanosecond (and trust me, he IS the most
frequent answer to that question), it’s not because of this resume:

10-time All Star (1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2004, 2006, 2007, 2008,
2009)
Four Gold Gloves (2004, 2005, 2006, 2009)
Two Hank Aaron Awards (2006, 2009)
Five-time World Champion (1998, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2009)
AL Rookie of the Year (1996)

It’s because of THIS resume:
Mariah Carey
Miss Universe Lara Dutta
Joy Enriquez
Jordana Brewster
Scarlett Johanssen
Gabrielle Union
Jessica Alba
Vanessa Minillo
Jessica Biel
Minka Kelly

Exactly — guys want to be Jeter because he gets more ass than a row of
toilet seats at the Super Bowl. But it’s not just that. It’s also because
Derek Jeter has been one of the few athletes who can get anyone he wants AND
was smart enough to….(drum roll please)….STAY SINGLE. No sneaking
around, no voicemail messages begging some skank to remove her name from her
caller ID so the wife can’t see it, no teenage country singers. And in
turn, no divorce lawyers or nine-figure settlements (It’s coming, Tiger. Oh
yes, it’s coming.).

Put it this way — if Derek Jeter is ever in a one-car accident at 3 a.m. with
his wife having to “rescue” him by smashing his back windows out with a
Louisville slugger, come find me. I’ll buy you a steak dinner.

Which brings us to Tiger, who is handling the last six days like a man whose
world is crumbling around him. Never mind that even after all of this is
over, even AFTER the inevitable divorce settlement, his net worth will still
be more than the GNP of several third-world countries and his occupation
will still be “professional golfer,” a vocation roughly 300 gajillion men
worldwide would give their left nut to write down as their source of income
on their 1040 every year.

Why is he handling it like this? Well, because Tiger would tell you that his
occupation is not “golfer,” but “worldwide brand and role model.”

You see, Tiger has been
programmed by those around him since the age of two to think that there’s
more to him than just golf, that he is the Chosen One. Jesus Christ in
spikes, if you will. Hell, if his father Earl were still here, and he were
filling out Tiger’s taxes, he’d list Tiger’s occupation as “Messiah.” (Side
bar: As of yesterday, Earl Woods shot to the top of the list of “Dead guys
I’d like to bring back so they can see what’s happening to their once-proud
franchise,” surpassing the late Al Davis. Wait, what’s that….he’s
not?….oh, never mind.)

You weren’t fooling anybody, Tiger. We all saw the f-bombs and temper
tantrums on the course. They didn’t make you a bad guy, but they did make
you human, a label that you and your late old man probably would have
cringed at a week ago. How did it feel having to actually admit
imperfection on your website? Welcome to the real world.

The fact of the matter is I’m sure part of the reason that Tiger Woods got
married was because it was the next logical step in the construction of
Transcendent Tiger — world-class golfer, billionaire…FAMILY MAN! Marry
the blonde Swedish nanny, have a couple kids, add Toys R Us and Disney World
to the list of sponsors. Lather, rinse, repeat. The other fact of the
matter is that, at the end of the day, none of us really care that you’re
married or that you have kids or that you’re the second coming or that
you’re perfect. We like to watch you swing a golf club. That’s it. So, for
me at least, no apology necessary, Tiger. Because I never bought in to
begin with.

This just in — hypercompetitive, highly skilled, athletic males (i.e. world-class professional athletes) who have the world ready to serve them at the
touch of a cell phone keypad CHASE WOMEN. The competitiveness that
manifests itself on the field/course, is how they’re wired 24/7. In short,
tail is another conquest. There’s no crime in that (in fact, as stated
previously, many of us are envious). But if that’s what you’re gonna do
Tiger, if that’s who you are, just be that person. We’re fine with it. Ask
Derek Jeter.

Derek Jeter won the SI Sportsman of the Year for 2009 this past week. It
was the first time he’s won the award. If he wins it again, he’ll join the
only other two-time winner of the award: Tiger Woods.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the “Sean
& John Show”. Also, you can follow him on Twitter at
http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.